Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I love FOOOD!!

Here are the photos of the grilled asparagus and mushroom with curried flavour chic-pea salad with ginger dressing, and kasha dish I made for Sunday Branch:



And I made vegetarian chicpea patties tonite:



I can not wait for my lunch tomorrow!!! Good nite *droool* :)

Monday, March 13, 2006

Danny Krivit!

So my weekend went by so quickly, but it was quite nice. On Friday nite, I was super tired so I fell into sleep, but woke up early and started cleaning my place. Then I went to a nearest organic restaurant called LIVE to have my breakie there. I had this French Onion Soup, which was very tasty. Then I went to an east asian art and clothing shop next door, where I bought a facy reddish/orange wrap around skirt for the warmer weather. It was so beautiful, and although i was wearing this hip hop/yoga stype olive color tight pants, the skirt matched well with it, so I wore it out for my shopping errands that I was planning on doing. I will take a photo of it sometime soon. LOL I then went to the organic grocery store to buy some veges, dried beans, e3live (organic liquid vitamins) and what not. Then because I had soo much grocery with me, I decided to come home for a cup of tea and a slice of cherry cheese cake for a dessert.hmmm It was tasty. Then the weather was so gorgeous and I got lots of sun light from the window of my room..so I took a photo of me chilling on my bed.. LOL



and then I took a nap, since I was still feeling abit tired (I usually sleep in on Sat morning even I may go to bed early the nite before)....got up and then went to the gym. I then came home and ate some food (mixed vege tomato stew and steamed basmati and wild rice)...and chilled a bit.

I was determined to go and check out Danny Krivit, so I went out to see the show with my friend, Hisa. It took sometime to find a good parking lot, but we found one, and on the way to the venue, we bumped into Danny Krivit, so we had to say hi. We shook hands and it was nice to see his bright down-to-earth smiles :) I was ready to rock'n roll... lol

I found a bit difficult time getting into the mix first, because the sound sort of scattered away (too high ceiling). And the speaker was sort of facing the middle, so it did not travel to the side that I was staying. But I got used to it, and sort of fell in love with the people's great vibes and lost myself dancing with them. It was super fun dancing with loads of people. :)

There was this house dancer crew that was doing their thing, and it really brought much joy in me. I love dancing so much, so it feels just so right when others do their things. :)

Here is a photo of me before heading out for the nite.


My sunday was sent somewhat chilling but busy from afternoon until nite.
But I made a pretty good brunch though. I made salad with curry flavoured chickpea, mushroom, roasted asparagus over two different kind of lettuce and avocado (with ginger dressing) and stir fly vege with red beans over steamed kasha (buck wheat). My roommate loves steamed buck wheat (apparently, it is a Russian thing), so he called his friend over so that three of us can enjoy the feast from Sunday early afternoon. Was super delicous :) I will post photos of them later tomorrow..

Then later, although I was sort of very tired from staying up, dancing up in storm for 3 hours (kind of nothing, but was tired) the nite before, I had to go to some shops for work, so I left my place for shopping. Then I worked out, went to an asian grocery store, did my laundry, cooked food (steamed basmati and wild rice, curry flavoured potatoes with tuna, vegetarian cabbage roll with chick peas, mushroom, carrot, spinach and onion, tomato soup from the broth I got from cooking the cabbage roll, avocado and green salad with ginger dressing and cut up some fruits). So overall, I think I did a lot of cooking today. But considering I will be visiting my best friend in Chicago soon, I want to make sure I know what I will be cooking while staying there, so I have been trying different styles of cooking to decide the best of best recipes that I have came up with... :)

Anyway, gotta go and sleep. Good nite :)

Monday, March 06, 2006

I am turning Canadian :)


^Chicken & Corn Soup-Traditional Chinese Style<--my breakfast on Sunday :)

It has been way too long since I last updated my page.
I have been super busy, but things are looking very positive and happy, so I am very glad about my mental stability and positive moods :) hehe

Well, first of all, I have attended the Canadian Citizenship Hearing/exam with the judge last Tuesday, and although he asked me approx. 30 somewhat difficult questions (a lot of political and geographical questions, which I studied hehe), I was told that he would approve my application and I could expect to receive the notice for the oath ceremony that I will need to attend. So in another word, this means I am getting my Canadian Citizenship after waiting for 1 year and 3 months since the day I submitted the application, so I am very happy about this. :)

I feel very happy and excited how this will bring my family, my own future family and myself more opportunities and freedom.

On the day of passing this exam, I had an opportunity to have lunch with a friend that inspire and is an influential person (to me). We talked both of exciting news (he recently got engaged!) and talked of our visions and what we want to achieve etc. He asked me some questions that helped me think of my personal goals realistically, and he helped me brainstorm a lot of creative ideas while sharing my dreams, so I felt very happy having had this opportunity to spend time with him. Especially after my b-day cerebration weekend, I concluded that I need to consciously spend time with those like minded individuals to keep me focus on my personal goals and myself helping and supporting them at the same time. So this meeting with him absolutely made my day :)

My lovely co-worker whom I respect and admire so much got me a t-shirt that says *Canadian, eh?* on past Friday to cerebrate it. It was so nice of her. I put it on me and it just felt *right*.

For some reasons, after passing the exam, I really do feel *welcomed* and *accepted* here.
It has given me much strength to stay the way I am, and never let something or someone stop me from what I want to pursue in my life. So this change really has brought so much of positive energy into my life, already, and I feel quite overwhelmed about this, because I did not expect this. hehe

Especially after getting my citizenship and having had this conversation during my lunch meeting with my friend talking about the idea of having my own farm to grow own fresh and organic produce for my cooking adventure, I decided that I need to start practicing what it would be like to grow my own vegetables and herbs. Plus, growing plants and vegetables would allow me to gain much knowledge on nutrients, growing process, how to protect our environment and nurture my motherhood at the same time, so I am very excited about this new hobby and interest!

So although it was more like a spur of a moment result, I went to get some organic seeds, flower pots, organic soil and a book called *you grow girl* to explore this new interest.

I always waned to grow green for my salad and for the sake of health, so the first thing that came in my mind was to grow some white radish sprouts!

So here is the day 1 photo:


I am planting sweet basil and Italian parsley (based on the last frost day and its planting and sow date that I calculated) this week. I plan on growing cherry tomatoes, baby carrots and organic lettuce too. There are more things that I want to try, but I shall be patient with me so that I will not get discouraged if things will not go smoothly..lol




But I think it will be a great first step to learning how to appreciate fresh produce that we tend to take for granted. If I could ever prepare meals using ingredients that I produced, then I think the whole process of serving the food will have much values and meanings, and I can not wait to experience the immense joy of sharing and consuming the end product..lol Plus, learning how to grow vegetables and plants will help us gain more green in our planet, so I am excited about being a positive cause on protecting the environment in this manner too..anyway, i must sound like an disorganized bragging bitch that needs to go and sleep, so I will go. But I will post some photos tomorrow or something. Thanks for reading! :)

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Personal Commitment to MYSELF

Yesterday Japan time on Feb 14th was my mama's b-day.
I called her after I came home from work out and cooked nice lunch for the next day, and had a good conversation with her. I love it how she loves to talk and we have our *girl's talk* talking about how silly my dad is etc..*giggle* hehe

Well, I was very happy to know that she is in great spirits, indeed.

Speaking of b-day, Feb 10th was my younger sister, Kano's b-day. Sounds like she is going thru a bit of difficult time. She is a very talented, inspiring and motivated young girl that has a spirit of a samurai warrior. All the boys that she dated are rather chasing after her, cause she takes the lead. Yes, you go, girl. I admire you. LOL Well, back to the topic, I really hope that she will not let outside factors put her down too much, but continue seeking what she KNOWS she deserves. But I also want her to know that the experience is everything. It is an ultimate learning lesson that allows us to grow. So I hope that she will keep her positive attitude and engaging in creative activities to fulfill her passion and needs. :)

As for me, you know, I have had two weeks where I encountered some bad luck.
My dad and my roommate, and my mentor (you inspire me) have keep dropping this line to me: "keep your focus".

That's right.

I have been having such unclear focus, because I have been struggling really hard to maintain personal peace and joy within.

Since I started running (instead of using the stair masters at the gym) about hmm 2 months ago, I started remembering all sort of achievements that I gained as a runner in the past over 2 decades of my life (wow, this means I have been running over 20 years! cool).

I got my first shoe raced running shoes and running suits and all sort of things by coming to the top 3 in the fall marathon competion since I was 6.

I set the record for the junior highschool marathon competition that still stands to this date under my name.

It was running that almost let me go to this famo highschool for long distance running, because my physical education teacher saw much potential within me in running.

Even I left Japan, although I initially placed top 6 of a junior versity team in track and field at Maria Highschool in Huntington Beach, Cali, by the end of the season, I was the leading runner guranteed to be in the varsity team, setting records at some races.

It also was running that allowed me to make local English speaking friends, in spite of my shy attitude not wanting to talk for myself. LOL

Then after I moved to West Vancouver, in BC, I kept running and I was recruited by a national track coach to be in the running team that he coached, and in the last year of my highschool, I was the top 2 in BC for 3000m throughout the season, although I could not win the race due to injuries at the final.

...here and there, I always did quite well in running, because, well, I was VERY FOCUSED, and running was my everything. I knew what I wanted (run well and fast), so I monitored everything that I did in my life: diet, water intake, sleep, amount of rest, nutrients etc...

So even something bothered me in my personal life, I tried not to get it affect my running.

And I guess because of that, I was quite successful with my mission.

Now, since two Novembers ago, from an incidence that led me to gain PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), my main interest has been learning how to live again, re-gain all the strength and confidence that I had lost, and just to live life with pure joy and happiness.

Although sometime once in a while without my expectation, I get my down time that puts me in a dark tunnel, I think I have finally gained my mental strength, spiritual balance, immense joy and love for my own life and others that I care, appreciation for everything that is given to me, and be comfortable being who I am and cultivating my personal interests here and there.

But like I have noted this in my Jan 29th entry, there is a part of me deep inside that has been holding me to depart from the defensive mode to *explore the world*, because of the fear.

In the past few days, I have been thinking, how pity it is for a human being to spend so much of her time thinking and evaluating one's human progress and life as a whole, but not doing something about it.

I understand that I have my today, because of all the thinking and wondering that I have done in the past while. It indeed led me to learn more about myself for sure.

But you know, 3 days prior to my 28th b-day on Feb 17th today, I want to tell myself that it is my time to get back to the *exploring mode*, the adventurous and warrior like spirit that I once used to be.

For the upcoming year of my life, I will not let negative emotions or other people's criticism/negative energy affect me to the degree that I would get indulged in it.

I for god's sake, have no time for such a thing, cause I must keep running, before someone coming to get me.

But truthfully, it is not a battle against others.
It is a personal cerebration and respect for my own creativity, passion and love for my own life, and my way to cherish all the blessings that are given to me, because of the all the people who care and love me too.

So here we go, I am preparing to stand on the start line now.
Just like my last race I participated over 8-9 years ago, my heart is starting to beat fast, getting some butterfries in my tummy, but I will let the adolenarine take me to the potential that I have in my life, like a free bird that flies freely and high up in the sky.

:)

I am very thankful for my progress in my PTSD (feel I do not even have one anymore.. hehe) and thankful for all you people who care and support me unconditionally.

Because of I am thankful and I care, I hope I will be a great inspiration to you, this year.

Sincerely....thank you for reading my people. I love you very much. With lots of love, Kumi

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Saturday nite

It was the Bump'n Hassle 10 year anniversary party this time last nite, so I wasn't missing it.
It was so packed that the manager of the venue wasn't letting anybody in. At some point, they were going to let me in, but waited until the gentlemen showed up.

Inside it was so packed that the front did not have the dance circle neither. I was a bit disappointed. Cause one of the factors that attracted me to this event was the dancers. It was too packed. Hopefully next month, the dancers will return to the front of the space for some funky dance battles ;) :)

It was still nice to see Carlos all happy and Dirty Dale and his dance a bit :)

At one point, my jacket went missing, so I was like: "why the hell am I getting all the bad luck??"

You know, my wallet went missing two thursdays ago. I got it back the next day without the cash, but I felt that the wallet got the negative energy from the person who stole it. I know it is all in my mind, and who knows, it is my bad karma, but I am quite sensitive to things that I initially perceive unwelcoming. sigh. Anyway, Dino, Jonathon and Vito were so kind that they all looked for my jacket for me, and found it. phew.

Then Dino was very kind to drop us off at the Theo Parish show.
Since it is my time to head to the gym, I will leave this short.
You know, someone like him, who plays bizzar abstract techy and detroit sounding shite make me *think*. Very inspiring for our creative minds. I was pumpered and felt challenged to do something more creative in my life. So after all this, I am a bit frustrated at myself for sleeping until 4 in the afternoon (after great parties, of course,but still), so I wanna go to the gym, and do my thing and do my thinking to see what is it that I should be doing in my life to reach to the potential that I have in my life.

So very thankful for Jason U. for the list at Theo. All these people in T-dot in the scene rock. I freaking Love IT :) and It would be so much better, if you were around, Ange. Toronto needs you :)

Friday, February 10, 2006

Back to Work!

This morning, the condition of my face was better, so I went back to work.
The cold weather out sort of cut my skin around my mouth, but I was mentally ready for it this time. At work, everyone was very supportive and caring, so it made me very comfortable to be back.

In the morning, I felt as though the burn also caused brain damage on me, cause I was making so much stupid mistakes...but in the afternoon, I catched up on things (somewhat) and was back on track thanks to everyone's support.

One of the founders of the company is the person who invented the wire coating technology/solution that is only available in the whole world told me that the combination of the glycolic acid and the ingredients of the gel do cause burn on the skin. He and his assistant showed me a very scary look when I told them what happened, as if they knew it would be an obvious nightmare to expect, only if I had known more chemistry. LOL

They were very sympathetic for me, and recommended something to try for my speedy recovery. Too bad, I forgot what exactly it was. I must get the name tomorrow.

But anyway, overall, my first day back at work was good. I am thankful for everyone's support (once again), and patience. I am truly blessed to have very understanding bosses, supportive and caring co-workers. I mean truthfully, they do have such caring characters. I was touched.

So I am thankful for surrounding myself in a good work environment.

Okay, it's time for me to go and sleep. Good nite. Oh, I really HOPE that my skin would be well enough to go and see Dino & Terry..... I hope SO!!

P.S.
Note to myself-this weekend, Garage 416 10 year Anniversary party and Theo Parish gig on Saturday..hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Time to shake my booty :) yay. I am so happy!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Third Day after the Origin of Nightmare

Well, after visiting 5 doctors and seeing my face getting worst with the extreme dryness and cuts around my eyes, nose and mouth, I wasn't giving up seeking some help, cause if I did, it will be me who will have to deal with my consequence of the burn on my face.

I called the walk in clinic (the doctor that burnt my entire skin on my face) asking them why they have not called me back for the appointment with a dermatologist that they promised to make for me first thing in the morning. The receptionist said, if there were no call, no appointment. What an ignorant amateur idiot, God! (with Napoleon accent), I thought. I told her that it was their responsibility to provide me a choice to see a dermatologist immediately, since all this happened because of the lack of attention of the doctor who prescribed me some gel that reacted badly with the facial cleanser (glycolic acid-evil shite, now I know!) burning my entire skin of my face.

Well, they did call me back 5 minutes later for an afternoon appointment.

They did not confirm the full name of the dermatologist ("I have no time for that", the irresponsible secretary told me), so I could not confirm if it was the doctor where I read some negative comments/feedback on the internet (thanks to the technology, I landed a meeting minute of the toronto dermatologist organization of some sort, where this doctor was sort of slammed, because of her evil attitude putting the rest of dermatologists in the city down in the media interviews etc), but nevertheless, at the point, I had not seen a professional that claimed to be a dermatologist, so I said to myself that it is worth while checking what she would need to say.

I arrived at the clinic, and I was able to see the doctor relatively without much waiting time.

She never studied my face, but was too busy trying to understand each word written on the referral from the walk in clinic doctor (she was freaking old like in the 70s). And she proceeded to tell me that what I need is 4 times stronger antibiotics than what I am already taking. I was like, "but, madam, the only reason why I am here today is because I need an immediate treatment on my burnt skin, not to cure my acne problem".

She told me to shut up. She did not want to know why I was there to see her. She blamed me it was my fault for taking the gel and glycolic acid on my face, although I told her that I had checked with a person who claimed to be professional family physician first before doing so.
She did not care.

Basically, she was a witch, such a stubburn old lady who does not know how to listen to the patient (I thought that all the doctors knew how important it is for them to listen to the patients before providing any medical advise..I guess after long years of practice, some of them may become quite arrogant and feel absolutely sure with their first judgment..such a poor and scary habit, I thought).

I started thinking: "Honesty, this is what I call, a waste of my time".
So I thanked her for her time and advise, and left her office.

I headed to the next dermatologist appointment with an Acne clinic where I would not need a referral from a family physician.

The doctor there and his assistant were the first one to finally study the severity of my burn of my face, advise me what I need to heal my skin and how long I will need to be patient and gentle with my skin.

The doctor told me "don't worry, we will fix you". This sort of sounded as if they were going to use the cosmetic practice to fix me, but still, after this nightmare and if this will leave me a permanent scars and patches on my face, I will probably consider laser operation to remove my scar..but it has been only a few days, so will see :)

Anyway, they GAVE ME some treatments that immediately reduced the irritation on my skin.

I was like: "finally, the VICTORY IS MINE!!" (with Stewie's accent) LOL

So I was a happy girl ever.
Although it was a tough challenge after experiencing this nightmare, thanks to my friends, my roommate, my co-workers and supervisors's support and understanding, I have reached the point where I can relax and trust someone's guidance on my way to healing my face.

At the same time, I feel that this experience gave me an opportunity to really test my strength and self-respect and responsibility. Whenever I get sick, I have this tendency to whine and always beg for my mom (in my mind), but this time, I am very proud that I took care of everything by leading my self, even at the bottom of this challenge, where it was even so scary to see my own face!

So I am proud of myself :) Yay. Victory is mine!

I hope that I will be well enough to go back to WORK :) Here we go, lots of work to do! :)

Very thankful for the guidance by the thoughtful and reliable dermatologist :)

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Nightmare-Can't trust anybody

On Saturday nite, we went to check out and to support the Garage 416 featuring Spiritual Music Record party where Kamati Pinkston played some soulful and funky music. I had such a blast dancing, and had a great time :)

From this evening, my eyes started to irritate me my tears running down non-stop for some reasons. I thought that it was just because of the cold weather.

When I woke up on Sunday, my face was extremely dry and my acene broke out badly (out of control), so it really was a time to see a doctor. But what kind of doctor would operate/see patients on Sunday? Well, I thought it is better to see someone than not, so I went to this only clinic in town that was open on Sunday.

The doctor said that it was just a typical acne problem. He gave me some antibiotics and gel to apply on my acne. He suggested that I do take the medicine and apply the gel before going to bed. I did that at 9pm and went to bed by 10pm. I also showed the facial cleanser that I have been using to wash my face. He said it is okay to continue using, so I did so as suggested.

When I woke up on Monday, my skin was super dry, irritated and yet swollen that I could not even recognize my face. I got so scared so I went to see this walk in clinic doctor that I have seen before (in my neighborhood). He suggested that I get off the gel that was prescribed to me, and get any cleanser and lotion that a drug store pharmacist can recommend. So I got what she recommended and apply on my skin.

But towards the end of the nite, entire skin of my face became extremely frakey and peeling, leaving very sensitive red skin underneath causing burning and tingle sensations on my skin. The skin around my face and eye were so red and cut. It was just so painful that I thought I need to do something before this experience leaves me permanent scar physically and emotionally.

So I went to the emergency of the Toronto General Hospital.
I registered myself in at 11:45pm. The last person before me was seen by the doctor at 2:35am. I waited and waited. A nurse who passed by asked me if I already saw a doctor. I said "nobody has come and call my name yet". The clock pointed 4:00am. All these tired/sleepy staff completey forgot about my existence. The doctor looked as if he felt guilty when he took me to the patient's room. At least it let him sit down and consulted what's wrong with me this time, I guess it is better, I thought.

He basically concluded that the facial cleanser that the doctor said it's okay for me to continue using had either a bad allergic reaction on me or caused bad chemical reaction with the gel that he prescribed me, burning my entire skin as if I got a really bad sun burn or got caught in fire.

Either way, my skin is now burnt and peeling entirly.

He suggested not to use any cleanser with chemical in it and let the time heal. He also said that maybe I am allergic to certain foods too. He said that if I want to see him again to take some food allergy testing, I should make an appointment with him on Wednesday or Friday privately at the clinic that he works on those days.

I came home and slept.

On Tuesday I woke up and was horrified to see my face, because entire skin on my face were peeling leaving red big marks/spots all over it. The swelling of my eye and left cheek have not got any better. Not knowing where and how to get the professional advise that I needed, I had to cry to let my frustration out of me. *NOBODY IS HELPING ME EVEN I NEED IMMEDIATE ATTENTION*.

I called my co-worker asking her for her suggestion. She suggested that I return to the first doctor who gave me the medicine that burnt my skin to get the appointment with a dermatologist. So I did. He said "it's worst huh?" "Has anyone recommended acutane to you before??" I was like, why can't you get it, I need to do something for my allergic reaction on my face to heal first before leaving permanent scar on my face. I am not interested in taking any more antibiotics or gels on my acne than I have already taken!

So I told him that "it's obvious that I am allergic to certain chemicals or the combination of your prescribed medicine and recommended cleanser caused a bad chemical reaction burning my face like this, so I am not interested in getting more medicine or listening to an advise from a non-specialist. I demand you refer me to a darmatologist immediately before this leaves me permanent scar on my face and making this whole experience traumatic".

He requested his secretary to try making an appointment from two doctors. One of them with which they could not get a hold of. The secretary suggested I go to the clinic (because they are open until 5pm) physically right away. So I got on a cab and went. The clinic was closed by 3:30pm. I called back the walk-in clinic, and she told me that she would make an appointment for me tomorrow morning.

I came home feeling how unprofessional these people all are, decided to do some search on the internet about this dermatologist that they tried to make an appointment for me. It turns out that she is not even a dermatologist, but specialised in internal organs etc. I was like,,, Why do I need to waste my time seeing someone who can not help me, when my need is quite serious and emergent??

I was so frustrated. I called my friend and he suggested that I go and seek some help from the women's college hospital in down town. The nurse was very supportive, emotionally caring and such a sweet heart.

The doctor there told me that because I have seen quite a few doctors already and condition is not getting any better, and since he is not specialized in dermatology, he is hesitated to give me any suggestion what to apply on my dry/frakey/cut skin. His best suggestion is not to put anything on. I asked him if he could refer me to a dermatologist. He said that because he is not my family doctor, he can not refer me to any. I must return to the doctor who burnt my skin to see a specialist. I thought it just did not make any sense to me.

I will not return to the doctor who burnt my face anymore-period.

So I went to the nurse who helped me, explained my situation and asked her if she could recommend me to any helpful doctor that may be able to refer me to a dermatologist asap.

She recommended her own family doctor and said that hopefully that will help me get a dermatologist right away. It was very sweet of her.

I came back home with detoxifying juice (36 oz) to detoxify all the chemicals that must be in my system. I also got some chinese food take out for my roommate, cause I wasn't cooking any food tonite (well, it's nice to eat food cooked by someone else once in a while).

We ate the food, watched the family guy episodes and laughed, It was nice to laugh cause I have been crying and traumatized by the whole experience of seeking professional help visiting clinics and hospitals 5 times since Sunday and seeing my condition getting worst.

I washed my face with mild warm water and left me such dry and burning sensations again (whenever I do something on my face, it swells up, as if I touched burnt and very fragile bruise), so I concluded that I need to apply something on my face although the doctor said not to put anything on. Cause if I left it like that, it was difficult to keep my eyes open or even to speak (cuts hurt).

So my roommate and i went to a nearest drug store, and asked the pharmacist for aloe. Her facial reaction showed how horrified she was to see my changed face (I saw her the day before) and admitted that it's worst today ( :( ), and agreed that the aloe would work okay for my sensitive skin.

So I got that applied the aloe on my face, and now I feel slightly better. At least well enough emotionally and physically to update my blog. But I concluded never to give a birth to a child in this country (if I ever was to marry -of course-and have a family). Well, at least this is a great opportunity to find a good family doctor for me, I think.

I just pray to god that this will not leave permanent scar on my face.
At least it has been a good lesson not to trust anyone that claims to be professional and seek second advise or do some online search before following suggestions maybe helpful in future...

I also feel that this incidence practiced my sense to perceive and judge people from my internal eyes. Meaning that this has helped me not judge others based on the surface, but from the acts that they share with me. Since the past week, I feel that I am able to feel the different degree of people's warmth, and the color of internal well-being that they share with me. I guess it is my intuition that is helping me value little things (encounter with new people, few words that are exchanged, kindness, compassion, consideration and support etc) that make our life much valuable and beautiful. :)

I feel very blessed to have all the people who have been supporting me in my medical crisis and hope that I will not forget to gain, maintain and share all these qualities that these people share with me from my end too. :)

Thankful but in prayers.

Kumi





Saturday, February 04, 2006

Toronto deephouse music lovers unit!

On Friday nite, my friend, Nozomi and I went to see Dino & Terry at their residency at Beba lounge. I had a bit of stressful week, so it was just super nice to be out listening to good music and surrouding myself with cool and sweet people :)

The set of the nite by Dino & Terry was absolutely FANTASTIC.

There is something about them, and I will try my best to describe how I perceive/feel about them.
Not only they are talented producers/DJs and have great taste in music, they have this ability to welcome all the souls in the space and share their love for the music. Their internal energy is so warm and powerful and very healing too that you just feel it when listening and feeling their music live.

The nite's set was sooo great. From deep techno to deephouse and some classic tunes (disco), I really liked every single record that they played. It was so soulful, DEEP and nurturing to my soul. I had never been satisfied I thought.

Then Jonathon, Vito, Nozomi and I went out to the Chinese food afterwords. It was pretty good! :)

I want to thank Dino and Terry for such a wonderful music and fulfilling and nurturing me thru the way they played the music with their open heart and souls, Jonathon and Vito for being such amazing companions for the party, and Nozomi for always being there for me. :)

I finally feel as though I have a place to call home here in Toronto :)

Peace and in love and light,

Kumi

Friday, February 03, 2006

Endless thoughts after an unlucky day

I noticed that I had my monthly public transporation pass missing from my bag once I got to the subway station on my way back from work. I just got it recently and it did not make me feel lucky especially the card would give me much freedom in my life. Maybe I should have guarded my pass with more caution and not take it for granted, I thought. I made a mental note to check my desk once again tomorrow, although I highly doubt that I can find it....

I have been feeling quite a bit of stress lately.

I question myself why. I think that I am not pleased having people controlling me in my life (due to confidentiality and personal issue, I choose not to get into a detail).

Lately, I realized that one of the worst feelings that I dislike to experience was a feeling of violation and control over against my desire. I think I have been fighting off to gain my freedom. Freedom to express myself. Freedom to live in a way that truly reflects the person me, the freedom to share joy and happiness with those people around in my life, the freedom to run, the freedom to dance, the freedom to feel however I want to feel without feeling obligated to feel other way around..freedom to just LIVE MY LIFE with pure honesty and respect for myself.

This gaining the freedom has become such important factor choosing my actions lately, which is a bit of a change considering all I cared about in the past was to manifest my personal identity.

Anyway, I must admit that I can not tolerate it whenever I feel as though someone is trying to take authority to control me. I am not a slave, just pay some respect for my positive attitude and commitment to meet and exceed expectations with my effort to take some extra considerations to make your life easy, that's all I ask. That is the type of feeling I get.

"Without taking a risk, you can never explore the different side of the story that you maybe deserve to experience during your life time"....

I have been thinking of this quite a lot in the past few days (maybe since yesterday).

Sometime, I feel like just leaving everything aside in my life and go to NYC to really dedicate myself to learn something for my passion for dancing.

Sometime, I feel like I just want to go back to a college to learn more about colors, flower arrangement, cooking, massage therapy and all that I am interested in.

Sometime, I feel like I want to go to Tibet to become a monk.

Sometime, I feel like dropping all my desires for materialistic gain/career success and be happy for the simplicities of life that is given to me.

But to share the joy and love of life, I still face the reality that I need minimum amount of income to share my passion (cooking/making others happy by doing things that usually cost money), so I can not just leave my work. But I notice my need to exclude any materialistic goals that I may subconsciously have, because this can get quite unhealthy. But at the same time, I do admit that I want to be able to buy things to express my identity and feel comfortable with it (say fashion and make up and all that things that are required to take good care of myself as a young lady??!! lol). And to take good care of oneself can cost money too (good food, nutrients and supplements, nice body lotion and hand cream,...list goes on). So I feel that I can not escape from the need to have good finace in my life. But I wonder how wonderful it would be if I was super healthy to begin with that I would not need all the this and that to take good care of myself but be healthy naturally......

Does this mean that I am not so healthy because of stress/a lack of sleep/not enough time to make me pleased with my personal interests and missions that I ended up spending more money to compensate???!!!

Anyway, I would go on and on in a cycle thinking about all these. I really need to find a boarderline to maintain my personal happiness and good NATURAL health for sure, I think.

I was thinking all these and was so tired, but managed to go to the gym and had a good work out. I ran until the gym closing time, so I rushed myself to the bathing area to have a quick shower. I wasn't gonna go in forever so I did not put back my lock in my locker. When I came back, there was this lady who was sort of going into my things. I was like, erm, excuse me, but I was freaking naked, so I wasn't comfortable to talk to her all I had on me was a bath towel.

She took off immediately, so I put my clothes on and left the gym.

Then I realized that my new wallet was missing.
Instantly, the face of that lady came back to me for some reasons.
I got frustrated especially I had my public transportation pass went missing earlier in the evening too, so I called my friend to brag about this. Then I wanted to go back to the gym to make a report about this. And on my way back, I bumped into this same lady, so instantly, I bluntly asked her: "Have you seen my wallet?" She then goes: "what?" Me: "Have you seen my wallet??" She: "Why would I know where your wallet is? and why would I steal someone's wallet??"

In that moment, I knew it was her. I mean, I never accused her of *stealing my wallet* or mention the word *stealing or taking*. I just asked her about my wallet and she reacted by saying "stealing".

Her facial expression also told me that she knew what I was asking her about.

Anyway, I got so upset, went back to the gym, told the staff about what just happened, and then went back to the locker to see if I see an emptry wallet (as I hear from people that rubber usually just take the money and throw the wallet away) anywhere.

I could not find it. So I made a report about it, and walked home.

On the way home, I felt so upset and guilty, because I had most of my sentimental items in it: the ring that I received after my grandma passed away, in which I have been carrying as a guardian angel. This key holder that I got for my grandpa, when I first went to a field trip, which he carried it everywhere by attaching it on his bag. I got it back when he past away, because it made me feel as though my grandpa would always be with me, if I carried the key holder with me. Then a few rocks that I got after climbing to the top of Mt. Fuji to remind me of my achievement and sucess (plus, I believe in the mother nature of Mt. Fuji)....all sort of things I had in my wallet are now GONE.

Surprisingly, as I write about this, I am not that upset. I still feel that my grandpa and my grandma are with me, although those sentimental items are gone. I wonder if this happened as a way to test my attachment to materials or my way of valueing myself based on materials.... I wonder.

But I did not need to lose all that and my money, so I feel that wasn't fair.

However, it is not like someone broke my legs that I can not run/dance anymore, or I lost all my money and have no money to buy a new pass to work, or anything like that, so I feel blessed to yet have all that to keep my life convenient and happy.

I just have to sort out my needs to make me internally at peace and happy...

In search for my eternal bliss...goes on :)

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Dammit-tttt!

It's still Tuesday, but I feel tired already (lol).
I fell into sleep and had a 1.5 hr nap before managing myself to wake up for a daily work out after coming back from work last nite (note: commuting on the local bus and ttc takes approx. 1 hr and 15 minutes one way), and I have not slept in till the gym closing time for a while that I did not think I would do such a thing today, and I did. Dammit! So I am here, partially awake, wanted to update my blog before going back to my sweet and warm bed early tonite so that I can wake up at 5am for a morning work out to start my day strong and energetic tomorrow...

Over the weekend, I went to the Solid Garage Classics party where the featured DJs, Dino and Terry rocked our world. They have kindly put some photos of my friend, Nozomi and me in their website, so here is the link for those curious souls: http://dinoandterry.typepad.com/photos/january_pics/index.html

Here are a few that I got from the site. I look quite happy below..hehehehe Music brings so much joy in my heart and soul! I can't help it!!!!! :)










































Hey, Ange. T-dot dance floor and crowd say *hello!!* Until you are there in Sweden, I will make sure the floor is occupied by my joyful ass-self ;) :)

I look forward for this coming Friday to catch Dino & Terry again!!!!!!!

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm-I am so appreciative for the T-dot deephouse music scene :)
Yay!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Solid Garage Classics Feat. Dino & Terry & GI

My my. I do not know where to begin, but I had such a blast at the Solid Garage Classics Feat. Dino & Terry & GI party at Gypsy Co-op last nite.

Thanks to Monique and Yogi, I had an opportunity to join this party, and I had such a fun time dancing with energetic and soulful dancers on the floor.

:)

I am so very thankful that I was there to experience this, because it means so much to me to connect with other passionate dancers and music lovers and be a part of our local deephouse music scene.

Dino & Terry rocked my world and I am still dreaming from the vibe that I experienced from last nite. :) It was also nice to finally exchanged a conversation with them and their crew, Vito and Jonathan. I look forward for the coming Friday catching them again...Nozomi-if you were reading this, you would need to come out with me again :) Also, I would like to extend my sincere appreciation (once again) to Monique and Yogi :) You guys rock!!!!

With much sincere appreciation and respect. :) In love and peace,

Kumi

experiential avoidance and emotional suffering

When I was at a drug store the other day, this topic on the cover of this particular magazine caught my attention: "Is fear limiting your life?"

I am not the one that invests money for magazines, but I had to purchase this magazine to read what was about it, as I have been aware of this personal truth that I live in the fear that to some degree lowers my optimism sometime.

The article mentioned about this lady who developed a fear of flying which led her to avoid not just flying but driving and the whole concept of leaving the house eventually. She became overly fearful about travelling and leaving the house after the 9/11 attack in NYC, and to help her deal with the trauma, she got dependent on the street drugs, and her consumption of the drugs was enough to kill a moose.

Anyway, the article explained to the reader how it is common for us to avoid anything to reduce our emotional suffering level to zero.

"What may be a common behavioural tendency in which I have subconsciously avoided certain situations to not face with the potential emotional suffering and threat?"

I had to clarify my personal experiential avoidance that reduces my potential emotional suffering.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One of the major hurdles that I have still yet to pass is attending house dance workshops/lessons without feeling humiliated and embarrassed.

I love to dance for many reasons. I feel as though I can manifest what I am feeling when I freely move my body to the rhythm and vibration that I hear and feel. I also feel as though I am dancing with my internal organs, my soul, cerebrating my all senses that let me *feel* such wonderful art of life. And because of my passion to dance, I have once attended this house dance workshop by Brain *footwork* Green in NYC. Although it was for the beginner house dance lesson, all the participants knew what they were doing, and I felt humiliated. Also, when I went to the house dance conference, I became overly conscious of my dance and could not dance in a way I would do so, if I did not feel like the worst dancer on the floor.

I do notice my conscious and naive self not wanting to be the worst dancer on the floor, but from when did dancing become a competitive thing in my book??? Dancing was always my way to manifest whatever I was feeling and return the positive energy to the space as I listen to vibrant music. So why the heck do I care what other people think of my dance etc???

Those were the questions that I gained after my first visit to NYC in 2004. But dancing has become not only a way to manifest myself but to protest my rights to be free. It sounds as though I have turned into an aggressive human if I phrase my meaning/purpose for the dance, but I do not think I can say so in another way around.

I have experienced an incidence that made me feel as though another human being violated me completely. It took a lot of things away from me. My ability to trust my own judgment. My comfort level. My security. My strength. Instantly, I gained self doubt, haunted by fear and nightmares and I was no longer sure if I was permitted to express myself in a way I did to cerebrate my life.

But after sometime living in the dark maze seeking some answers but stuck in unanswered questions, I realized that I can not continue letting my personal experience to limit my opportunity and freedom.

So now I have more deep meanings for all these passions that I have. House music has become a tool to help me manifest my body and soul. I redefined the reason why I ran; Running has become a sport to help me maintain my confidence and strength. Dancing has become a medium to not only manifest myself but to cerebrate my life but to share the joy and blessing of life that is given to us with others, and often as a tool to protest my rights.

So I recognized that my past experience that once made me gain fear and suffering has let me redefine the meaning of certain activities that I was always passionate about. And what I am interested to know is whether I continue let my fear to be embarrassed or humiliated limit my freedom to explore.

I can not completely say that I do not worry about such a thing anymore. In fact, I still recognize my behaviour limiting my opportunities because of my fear. So I want to consciously keep this question within me to reduce experiential avoidance and shape me to continuously engage in activities that I become attracted to/interested in to explore much potential in my life.

to experience the true love is to be in love with the life/world

in the past 1 week or so, i come to unite with two individuals whom I used to exchange mental and philosophical thoughts, ideas and theories with.

one of them is alex, whom i had an online chat exchange the other day for over 3 hours.

during our conversation, we covered some really interesting points and one of them is about true love.

he gave me his theory that to experience the true love, one needs to be in love with the life/world.

i shared my personal experience and fully agreed and supported the theory. Why? Well, no matter how compassionate and loving a person can be, as long as s/he does not have the ability to face and acccept the reality and in love with the world no matter how ugly pictures s/he maybe seeing in the given moment of time, s/he can not experience the true love.

I personally think that the love you give to the world will come back to you in an ultimate and unconditional sense. Meaning that more you give to the world, more you receive. More truthful and genuine love you give, more pure and unconditional love you receive. So unless one has not developed the ability to accept and be in love with this life, the world will not return you the true love one deserves...

I am truly thankful for Alex for sharing his view, because it fully supported something that I have been wondering and thinking about for a while.

I personally have another topic that I want to cover, but I will do so after eating my hot and sour thai noodle soup (my breakfast yes!) :)

Till then, all you have a blessing day. and a happy great new year to you all :)

In love and light, Kumi

Sunday, January 22, 2006

self reflection

sometime, i want to stay in my room and just cry.
i have not updated my blog and website for so long.
it is partially because i dedicate most of my time for my work responsibility.
but also because i choose not to reflect my personal thoughts in my web space.

in the beginning of this year, i felt as if someone violated my true emotions that I share on my website. because of that, i shut down my site for a few days, but realized that i should not let someone stop me from being me.

today, somehow my true emotions are acknowledged and accepted by me. no more control over my own feelings.

I guess it is the hurtful feelings that stop me from feeling in a way I truthfully feel. Because I do not want to have negative emotions within me. So my automatic response is to shut them off.
But I guess it does not help me from healing at all.

All of us live with any sort of negative feelings: sadness, anger, upset, irritation, frustration etc.
But I guess as long as one continues to shut such energy off, instead of questioning the origin of such energy, the energy will haunt you back again at a later time, and would become a bigger issue.

But ignorance does not help me from dealing with my own personal truth.

Today, I want to make a commitment to deal with my own negativity by acknowledging and accepting it and questioning the origin of such energy and finding out a way to turn it into positive in my life.

I am glad of my realization tonite. I think I will make some serious notes in the upcoming entries which is a little different from my optimistic and silly past entries, but I really need to reflect on my self right now.

Thank you for the strengh and love. I am blessed with my life. Peace, Kumi

Monday, January 09, 2006

A happy new year!!

Hello-thank you for reading my lame-not so frequently updated blog :(

I have had a bit of down time that I was in a shell spending a lot of my energy to look after myself.

Now that it is 2006 and thanks to my friend, Tomomi's encouragement and inspiration, I have been mentally doing better (stable, and the mild weather has been helping me a lot too), so I have decided to update my blog.

I was going to let my soulmanifesto.net website, as I have been terrible with the update, but I realize that I have given out my email address to some important people that I want to always keep in touch with, so I think I am going to keep it (unless I will change my mind in the last minute).

Well, I have so much to share, but as it is really the time for me to get some sleep, I am going to post some photos for you to enjoy :)

Sending you much positive energy and love on your way. May you have a blessing and fulfilling year in 2006.

In love and light,

Kumi

NYE at my friend's place-alcohol making my face so red in effect: lol



















Doing whtat I enjoy doing so much: dancing! woo hoo! :)



















Jan-1-2006 dinner-sushi party at Kumi's place with friends :)



















more to come...