Butter-Sand

I received a box of butter sandwich cookies from my friend, Mu today. To my surprise, it was one of my favorite cookies that I have ever had in my life. So I was filled with such a great joy. yay! These cookies are from most famous Japanese bakery shop, Rokka-tei, and I learned that itis originally from Hokkaido.

Imagining how the cookies were made from fresh daily products of Hokkaido, I could not stop drooling over them and decided to eat one before my 3pm snack time (click to view a video clip of me eating..lol Needto view via Internet Explorer though..)

Note: I ate the cookie during my break from working at the restaurant,
so I am wearing the uniform. lol

It was very delicious and such a great treat!! My family and I enjoyedthem happily with joy.

Thank you very much, Mu! :)

Thoughts after thoughts the conclusion that I reached during today's given time

Last nite after giving foot massages to my mom and grandma, I found myself feeling refreshed inspite of a long busy day. But to think of it, I always gained a sense of relaxation and comfort whenever I gave massages to others in my past. I give massages to people with my wish to provide and stimulate good flow of energy within the person.. But without my expectation, I somehow end up feeling better. So this sort of personal experience explains the power of human touch and exchanging energy through us, human beings, I thought. I also remembered how this conceptis supported scientifically.

According to a study that I read in a book called "Faith", the AIDS patients who, without their knowledge, were prayed for had significantly fewer new AIDS-related diseases, less severe illness, fewer doctor visits, and fewer shorter hospitalizations than patientsin the control group who were not prayed for by those in the study.

I acknowledged how the power of human intention links our actions to a vast web ofinterconnection, yet to be reminded how everything that happens in our life (destiny) is like a wonderful wide tapestry in which every thread is guided by an unspeakably tender hand, placed beside another thread, and held and carried by hundred others (from Rilke's "letters to a young poet").

Thinking back the stages of life that I lived in the past, I experienced a similar phase as what I am going through right now almost 5 years ago: that was when I decided to take a control over my life independently and made a personal commitment to learn more about life from my own personal experience. At that time, I had gained a great motivation and interest to study human psychology and asian philosophy in a deep level, and read some related books until sun rise like a fool. Although a great friend reminded me how accepting concepts mindlessly could lead us
to lose vigor in our relationship to them, I feel I was able to question the concepts by applying on my own life and gain the teachings that could stay as my personal truth within me.

As a number of years passed by becoming more comfortable with my personal interests, I gained a great desire to expand human network around the globe to share the beauty of human manifestation through the work of art and music to cerebrate the urban culture that we have in our society.
But it seems as though I got too caught up with this desire that I became blind losing the importance of keeping in touch with the fundamental thoughts of Buddha, and my understanding of them thinned out subconsciously. All focused on the progress and the direction of the process that I involved myself in (measuring my progress only by the surface of things), I found myself often hurting, because the reality did not always turn in a way I wanted to.

Now that I have returned to this phase again being helped by the teachings of Buddha, I felt that I do not want to take these teachings for granted and value my life based on the results that I aim for.

Additionally,I also felt that myself getting down whenever a concern of my future career struck in my mind is such a dainty thing to do, cause there are many people in this world that can not even think about future, but struggling to live the present without given the basic living needs. As I thought of tsunami victim kids, who may be suffering from the PTSD, my personal issues appear to be so very little. I started wonder what sort of buddhist approach is actually used right now to help tsunami victims that suffer with the PTSD. I gained a desire to be there for those kids to have some hope and faith for their future.

...Then an old offer to teach Japanese in India when I was working for a university came back to my mind. I also wondered how I maybe able to help people through the power of human touch.

Although I feel I am not qualified to sacrifice my own life to help those in needs in the world (to speak without experiencing the life that those people live seems like a selfish thing to do), I have started to seriously think of an idea to visit India to contribute myself to help those in needs and to gain the wisdom of Buddha.

Yesterday, I felt it would be very sad to die without a relative (thinking of Nigo-san), but such thought, at the end of the day today, appear to be a sign of me getting too caught up by the idealism that our society gives us (family is a good structure to obtain). I am currently feeling
that an idea of leaving this world without a relative won't be too bad, as long as one lives life with a conpassionate heart and give goodness to the world during the life time and able to leave this
place with a sense of fulfillment and self-satisfaction.

I was almost going to forget this..I keep wanting to talk about this mix that I recently downloaded from the deephousepage.

Well, it is a mix by Mike Johnson, and I have one word to say: Sweet!
There were at least 5 songs that I love in this mix, and it is always great to hear some songs that I love but do not own in any of my existing mixes.

Some of my favorites: (from 4'30": "Golden"by Jill Scott; an instrumental song from 20': god, I can not get enough of deep house. This track is soo hot. I have a feeling that the title of this maybe called "freedom", but if any of you know the actual title, please email me :) I like the afro-percussion sound. I also was happy to hear a song by Fertile Ground from 25"). I like how this mix has got some funky tech house beats. Sweet. hmm Shake the bootie. yay. Where is my dance crew when I need to go dancing.. shrug. but when I think of it, I remember how I plan on going to yellow with my friends to check out Idjust Boys and moodman. Any of you own their production by any chance? let me know what you think. Thanks!!

Importance of Forgiveness & Accepting Others

When people die in Japan, we have Otsuya (wake) where people gather to see the deceased person's physical body for the last chance on the nite before cremation, and the actual Oso-shiki (funeral) after cremation on the following day. As I noted in my yesterday's entry, a lover (Nigo-san) of my grandma's brother past away yesterday that we were technically supposed to have Otsuya tonite... but we had a complex situation where nigo-san literally had no relatives locally to take care of this business legally. Although her own daughter was convinced and came here for the funeral from tokyo, since she did not want to bother following the traditional ceremony, nigo-san's body was cremented (without having otsuya) and we had a funeral and "after funeral gathering" today.

Although it is not the most happiest way to meet familiar faces, I was very happy that people gathered for her funeral today.

Not trying to get back to what I talked about yesterday, but I wondered what sort of emotions that nigo-san may have had while passing away. The fact how she did not get to communicate with her daughter for many years struck in my mind. Although it was her decision to get together with my uncle, did she regret how she could not maintain a sense of harmony and peace in her relationship to her own daughter? This idea of having a regret as one of the emotions to experience when passing away made me think of the importance of forgiveness and accepting others.

I know that we can only make us happy, and it is impossible to try making all the people that we care to be happy (from the nigo-san's point of view). But can we at least try to have a liberated heart and forgive and accept others fully before we face our last moment of our life?

Only if the daughter accepted nigo-san, wished for her happiness and forgave what she had done (choosing a lover after divorce), they might have being able to share a moment of peace and harmony while nigo-san was alive. I mean, would it be worth while to keep holding onto a hatre after a person's death? I personally think that there is nothing ugly than continue hating a person even after a person's death.... Or do we all have an ultimate magic in us that allows us to forgive someone we long hated once the person dies?? Do people deserve to be hated if the person commited such sin during their life time? Am I a fool to think that our ultimate is to obtain a sense of peace while we are all alive? I endlessly procrastinated some thoughts after thoughts.

Speaking from my personal experience, I must admit that there is a couple people that I have trouble forgiving and accepting what they have done to me. But I feel that I can never obtain a liberated state as long as I am unable to accept them for who they are, regardless of good or bad they maybe. hmmm, no I do not necessary want to forgive them, just because I want to get liberated spiritually, but I want to obtain an ability to accept everything that happens in our life before I die, so I recognize more reasons to accept the internal existence of my life. ...

Back to the story of nigo-san though, while taking bath, I felt sorry for her, because her bones will be separate from her lover. (In Japan, we usually put the bones under the same gravestone based on the family background. For example, if I do not marry and keep my last name for the rest of my life, I will share the gravestone with my grandma, my younger brother and other ancestors of my Yajima family root). But when I told this to my grandma, we laughed and said that hopefully they get to continue their lover-relationship even at after life world in the heaven. Since they had a difficult time while they were alive having not many people accepting their thoughts for each other, I want to dedicate my today's entry for nigo-san and my uncle, wishing that they will get to stay together and happy in the heaven....

Life after Death

The nearest clock said it was approaching 2am, when I started feeling sleepy. That was when our phone rung unexpectedly. I heard the noise of my parents awaken above me from their bedroom that I knew something was up. My dad came to the living room where I was doing some work on the computer, and said: "Se-chan occhan no (uncle Sei's ) nigo-san (lover) is at her critical point of her life. We must get to the hospital where she is right now". Then my mom and my grandma came down to the living room looking all shocked and they told me to sleep in my parents's bedroom so that I can take care of incoming calls while they are away. Se-chan is my grandma's older brother that this nigo-san is technically her older sister in practice (wasn't sure which word to use..but hope you get the idea). Not sure what sort of family background this nigo-san comes from, but since Se-chan is already a person above the cloud (japanese expression of pointing out deceased people), she literally had no relatives around locally that this gentleman whom nigo-san took great care of while he was growing up contacted us to let us know of her sudden change in her medical condition.

I did not know how exactly I felt. I felt strange. But I knew that I had to go and sleep anyway, so I went to my parents's bedroom and tried to sleep..but I could not.

Then I heard a car engine running towards the entrance of my house that I assumed that my dad came home. He came where I was resting and said: "She could not make it. The doctors continued giving her the heart massage for over 30 minutes, but she could not make it. So I need to change to a larger car and head back to the hospital and bring her back to her home". Through my eyes with no contact lenses, I could not clearly see my dad's facial expression, but I could tell that his eyes were watery with tears. I asked my dad what we were going to do next, and he said that the nigo-san actually had a daughter living in Tokyo, but none of us know how to reach her, so we will see how to take care of this situation. I felt such immense sadness learning that this nigo-san had no relatives around to come and see her last moments of her life.

I had a trouble falling into sleep after imagining what it is like to leave this world without having the chance to exchange words with the closed ones. I felt so very sad for her. The bright and beautiful smiles that she used to give me upon visiting her house when I was 8 years of age came back to me. ...

I was then woken up by my grandma who apparently came back at 3am with my dad early in the morning telling me that she had to leave the house to take care of her errands. I came down to the living room to hear from her that they were able to reach the daughter of nigo-san, but she apparently told my parents that she would come here in 2 days initially. She must have some responsibilities that she needs to take care of, but how sad story would it be, when your only relative was not able to come and see you at your death bed... God, I felt so sorry for nigo-san, but was glad that she at least had us (my parents and the gentleman who called us of the news) in a situation like this.

I then called my mom and asked her whether everything was going okay. She seemed to be doing fine, but I felt sorry for her lack of sleep. She and my dad should get some sleep, but in a situation like this, it is difficult to take care of your personal needs, I thought. Plus, if my parents decided to fulfill their personal needs (sorry for my comparison, but like the daughter of nigo-san) before what needs to be taken care of, we are to gain more sadness towards nigo-san's death, so I guess it is shoganai (no other way out?!)...

But I had to think about what it is like to die just like that. What kind of message do we need to gain from seeing a person leaving this world without her relatives around? Is this sense of loneliness be taken away from nigo-san (and from us) eventually?? Even when we go through different kind of emotions when we die, do they eventually get nurtured somehow and can we obtain a sense of peace after we die? I have a shinto belief that people's emotions stay in this world even when they are medically passed away. Like I can not get rid of this image where people's emotions wonder around in the space like a force of energy even after the person's heart stop beating. The person's spirit and emotions stay together and move away from the physical body and start its after life journey visiting places that they have memories with and eventually travelling forward to wherever they need to be... I guess this sort of belief is highly influenced by the childhood stories that I heard from my grandma (shinto-believer). And I think that people's spirit needs to attain buddhahood to successfully go through the journey after life. But even how unpeacefully people welcome their last moment of their lives, are they able to obtain a sense of peace somehow as long as they generally were able to obtain such sense of mental state while they were alive? How does people's emotions work after the death? Are they acknowledged or felt by those who are still alive like a force of energy? Do we get bad feelings or goose bumps intuitively when we are placed in an environment where dead's negative emotions remain unable to attain buddhahood? A lot of questions went through in my mind. I do not know if you English speakers understand what I am saying here due to different background in our perceptions towards life after people's death. But what is your thought? I will be more than happy to hear you people's thoughts on this topic. Thank you. I hope nigo-san is at her peaceful state of mind and able to start her life after death journey peacefully... Kumi

String of Life

Today's entry will be rather serious as I need to keep my recent realization in my journal here.

Especially aftermy return to Japan where I do not freely express my deep internal thoughts (such as fear) openly, I think I have been shaped not to think about the life changing experience, because of my fear. It is like myself chopping this string of life that connects my past to the present whenever a thought of the experience occur in my mind.

I thought that it was a healthy way to deal with it, as my focus was to maintain a sense of peace and positive attitude during my stay here in Japan. But I realized that it had a negative effect on my mental health: I could not draw a line from the present to the future, and as a result, I often found myself getting panicky whenver my concern towards myfuture arrived in my mind.

As I used in my analogy of life as a string, as long as I continue to chopping the string (chopping the past experience from the whole) by not accepting it, I obviously would not be able to draw its extension to the future.... Right?

Well, there are reasons to why I did not (and still do not) want to remember my past experience (it's a painful memory to remember, obviously! duh) and my natural reaction to chopping the string off my present, but I realized that I can not just erase what happened, because it is a part of my past and my life after all. Although it may bring some bitter feelings in me, I think I need to learn how to accept it as an important lesson of my life. So I have been working on letting my thoughts flow whenever my memory of the past occur in me, but with a control and in a positive manner. I feel like putting myself on a psychology lab examination figure, but it's okay. It's been cool learning myself by psycho-analyzing my human responses/behaviours.

In my past entry, I noted how I lost my ability to trust myself (my judgement) and confidence
due to the life changing experience. I have been having trouble making significant decisions that involve a lot of responsibilities. So this has often put me in such troubled emotional/mental state, and gave me a fixed belief that I am not able to make a decision, and this had an another role as a fear stopping me from taking actions to *move on* for my future. But while reading a book that was given to me from a great friend, I realized that my fixed belief can be fooled by a
word-definition game.

Although I had a trouble getting rid of this belief that I won't be able to make a decision (because of my inability to trust myself etc), I could still make a commitment to myself because of the respect that I have towards myself. A funny thing I realized was this equation: "making
a decision=making a commitment". So what this means is that, I can make a commitment; therefore, I am able to make a decision as well....haha!

So I have been focusing on making small commitments (I am good at making commitments and sticking to the goals) now, and have gained some strength to facemy fear dealing with my future :)

Anyhow, although this content maybe confusing to some of you, this has been an important realization for me, so I decided to keep it here :)

Thanks for reading~~

Oh I was almost going to end my entry. Well, I have something new to note in my journal.
I was recently given an assignment to conduct a 1 day 3 hr lecture (instructing tips on International communication from the x-cultural perspectives) for freshmen of an engineering company. A couple days after myself accepting this offer, I was like, what kind of challenge
have I involved myself in?? LOL But I thought that this has given me a good excuse to get back on track with professionalism, and more reasons to make commitments to achieve goals (to provide professional and successful course for the vendor that provided me the offer), so I see it as a great way to gain some self-confidence. :) so I plan on spending at least a few hours of my day preparing for this assignment :) werd.