Analyzing my mind to better make my personal decisions

Last nite, I caught my good friend, Tatsu, who has been on his journey travelling southeast Asia (currently at Cambodia) online on his MSN that I was able to engage in a good conversation with him and helped me come to a page that I wanted myself to be dealing with my given scenario with my job search.

I made a note on my August 30th entry how I have been wondering how much of given circumstance to accept as reality of my life and when and how much of my humble self to let get into actions respecting my personal desire as an internal truth...

Tatsu mentioned how dealth is everywhere in Cambodia and told me what it was like to make a visit to one of the death fields that took place during the civil war. According to him, "there were the most mass graves. There's a huge pagoda in the middle stacked to the sky with skulls of victims extracted from the graves and the surrounding grounds are still littered with things like teeth and shards of bone".

He told me how everyone there is so desparate to work, any kind of jobs that they can get.

Hearing this story (reality in Cambodia) made me feel how my concern about my job search is such a selfish thing to deal with.

And thusly it led me ponder on the *how much reality to accept and how much humble self to kick in* while talking to him.

Unfortunately, he had to go before we complete our conversation, but while writing an email to him actually helped me clarify some of my confusion, so I would like to share the conclusion that I have came with on this topic.

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I think that we must ask the origin of our own desires whenever we get lost unable to decide a good balance between accepting a given scenario (although it may not be the most ideal situation) and fighting against it and trying to turn things around for our favour.

If our desire is based on pure positive energy: compassionate thought, respect for one’s personal interests, free from materialistic and superficial thoughts, then we deserve to stick with the desire, you know?

The same thing applies when dealing with accepting a given circumstance.

If accepting lowers the level of our suffering, then surely, we should definitely accept what is given to us.

But one may find it difficult to accept the reality.

One must ask why it is so difficult for us to accept.

There should be reasons why. Usually it is because of our internal desires that are against the reality.

So here we go, we must ask the origin of our desires.

And if our desires are pure positive kind of energy, then we need to use our creative mind and patience to stick with what our heart tells us.

We must bare the challenge to stay respectful to our own thoughts after all....

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So I think that I must map out all these thoughts that I have in my mind with regards to my job search.

I am in a shoe where I must make up my mind to accept a job offer that commences in October 1st by tomorrow afternoon.

If I accepted this job offer, I must relocate myself 2.5 hr north of Toronto. My friends tell me that it will be very difficult to live there without a car during the winter time. I do not know how well I will handle this challenge mentally considering that I will not have the support system there (no friends). I know that I could come here to Toronto during the weekend, but spending 5 hrs on the Greyhound bus does not sound too bright neither. On a positive side, this challenge shall help me grow into a stronger individual, and it should allow me to gain some confidence and strength that I need dealing with my PTSD. But it is also true that I am a type of an individual who find herself passing out on the ground by burning herself out before her mental self realizes (runner's mentality I guess, LOL), so I must watch out for potential down time by moving there and I do not want to be in a shoe where I can not reach out to people I would feel comfortable to share my own thoughts (weakness) with. So I must make sure that I will have a good network of support system before I make a decision to move there. I have contacted my counsellor to see if there is any support group that I could rely on in this small city. I need to make a list of my short term goals (what I want to achieve) and narrow down necessary sacrifices to get where I need to be. So that is what I am going to do right now.

Peace,

Kumi

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your Birthdate: February 17

Your birth on the 17th day of the month suggests that you are very lucky financially, because this date indicates a solid business sense. Although you are probably very honest and ethical, this birthday enables you to be shrewd and successful in the world of business and commercial enterprise. You have excellent organizational, managerial, and administrative capabilities enabling you to handle large projects and significant amounts of money with relative ease. You are ambitious and highly goal-oriented, although you may be better at starting projects than you are at finishing them. A sensitivity in your nature, often repressed below the surface of awareness, makes it hard to give or receive affection.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

Part Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

The Birth Order Predictor

You Are Likely a Third Born

At your darkest moments, you feel vulnerable. At work and school, you do best when you're comparing things. When you love someone, you tend to like to please them. In friendship, you are loyal to one person. Your ideal careers are: sales, police officer, newspaper reporter, inventor, poet, and animal trainer. You will leave your mark on the world with inventions, poetry, and inspiration.

The Birth Order Predictor

interesting....

Who were you in a past life?

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Famous Monk. Where You Lived: Burma. How You Died: The Plague.

Who Were You In a Past Life?


I knew it!!!! ;)

you know, Dawn...

You ROCK!!

I just realized what I have been missing in my life: Colors!! that I get from the Make up!!!

Shame on me for underestimating the power of colors from the make up for such a long time now.
You know, someone who became closed to me hates it whenever I put some make up on.
So I have been putting less make up on in the past few months.

But you know what? I f***ing LOVE make up. LOL
It's also true that I always fancied and dreamed about becoming a make up artist.
I can not lie to myself and put no make up, just because someone tell me not to do so. LOL

I love playing with my make up brushes and even a little make up tricks empower me like: wow!!

And so I realized that make up is my personal expression that I choose to include in my daily life to express the person I am.

And I want to thank you for helping me realize this. You rock!!! and Thank YOU!!!

P.S.
Dawn recently just sent me a box full of treasures: new make up gears from MAC :)
She is a very cool make up artist. To learn more about her recent swim wear fashion show, please see my entry on June 1st. Thanks :)

Which Rock Chick Are You?

Which Rock Chick Are You?

one week has gone by

So many things happened in the past week.
My great friend, Ange departed for her study in Sweden.
I got high fever the next day and slept in bed all day while nasty rain flooded some sections of T-dot causing some headache for people living in the basement.
I attended a couple job interviews for a position that my agent encouraged me to apply for.
Then I got my fever back again with really bad caugh making me stuck in bed for another day again.
I got a couple calls from two agencies for job opportunities here in Toronto, but out of my preference.
And I went for a job interview for a Japanese translator position 2.5 hrs north of Toronto today.

.....
It seems my cold is now gone, but I continue to search for a great career opportunity here in Toronto.

I always wanted to be true to myself and stick with what I felt I deserved, but I am starting to question the degree of my desires now. Because I can not just stay unemployed and continue looking for something that I want without working for so long, you know??

Based on the job offers that come on my way, I am starting to wonder maybe I am meant to work as a translator, although I continue to have more enthusiasm working for a marketing/creative industry as an admin coordinator. I also wonder: is it my faith that puts me in a situation to move to places that I ideally do not want to be???

In my past 10 years, I do not even know how many times I moved (relocating for job offers and most of the time I had no other choice but accept things happening in my life).

Because of my past moves, I feel that I deserve to settle in a place that I like (Toronto) and establish my career where I can devote my passion and energy for at least a few good years.
But I struggle to find a good opportunity in the city and most of the opportunities that are given to me are outside of Toronto, as if I must move from here...again.

I question: what is my faith?
Is it my destiny to move so many times?
Or do I deserve to stick to what my heart (my desire) tells me and continue making the effort until I turn my dreams come true???

Here are some reasons why I want to stay in Toronto:
-I want to get some dance lessons and become a better dancer.
-I love deephouse music and I want to stay in an environment where I can go and hear some live performance where I can gain some raw inspiration for me to manifest my own passion for life too!
-I love kensington market and china town where I can buy some fresh produce for cheap!!!! and I love the idea of spending my money for independent companies (instead of supporting coorporated grocery industry).
-I want to become a part of our Toronto community.
I am interested in doing some volunteer work for the Japanese Canadian community here in Toronto. I want to be able to do some volunteer work!!! (convenient toronto public transportation allows me to travel to places)
--my friends live here. my friends-my own support system-my family :)

but people say that you need to drop all you desire for something that you need sometime in one's life.

Is my thoughts/desires unhealthy? does it limit my ability to accept things happen in my life?
Are they consider as some materialistic thoughts that I need to detach myself?
Do I need to free myself and be able to accept things that are offered to me as gifts??

I continue to wonder as I continue to fight for what I want in my life..

Peace :)