Endless thoughts after an unlucky day

I noticed that I had my monthly public transporation pass missing from my bag once I got to the subway station on my way back from work. I just got it recently and it did not make me feel lucky especially the card would give me much freedom in my life. Maybe I should have guarded my pass with more caution and not take it for granted, I thought. I made a mental note to check my desk once again tomorrow, although I highly doubt that I can find it....

I have been feeling quite a bit of stress lately.

I question myself why. I think that I am not pleased having people controlling me in my life (due to confidentiality and personal issue, I choose not to get into a detail).

Lately, I realized that one of the worst feelings that I dislike to experience was a feeling of violation and control over against my desire. I think I have been fighting off to gain my freedom. Freedom to express myself. Freedom to live in a way that truly reflects the person me, the freedom to share joy and happiness with those people around in my life, the freedom to run, the freedom to dance, the freedom to feel however I want to feel without feeling obligated to feel other way around..freedom to just LIVE MY LIFE with pure honesty and respect for myself.

This gaining the freedom has become such important factor choosing my actions lately, which is a bit of a change considering all I cared about in the past was to manifest my personal identity.

Anyway, I must admit that I can not tolerate it whenever I feel as though someone is trying to take authority to control me. I am not a slave, just pay some respect for my positive attitude and commitment to meet and exceed expectations with my effort to take some extra considerations to make your life easy, that's all I ask. That is the type of feeling I get.

"Without taking a risk, you can never explore the different side of the story that you maybe deserve to experience during your life time"....

I have been thinking of this quite a lot in the past few days (maybe since yesterday).

Sometime, I feel like just leaving everything aside in my life and go to NYC to really dedicate myself to learn something for my passion for dancing.

Sometime, I feel like I just want to go back to a college to learn more about colors, flower arrangement, cooking, massage therapy and all that I am interested in.

Sometime, I feel like I want to go to Tibet to become a monk.

Sometime, I feel like dropping all my desires for materialistic gain/career success and be happy for the simplicities of life that is given to me.

But to share the joy and love of life, I still face the reality that I need minimum amount of income to share my passion (cooking/making others happy by doing things that usually cost money), so I can not just leave my work. But I notice my need to exclude any materialistic goals that I may subconsciously have, because this can get quite unhealthy. But at the same time, I do admit that I want to be able to buy things to express my identity and feel comfortable with it (say fashion and make up and all that things that are required to take good care of myself as a young lady??!! lol). And to take good care of oneself can cost money too (good food, nutrients and supplements, nice body lotion and hand cream,...list goes on). So I feel that I can not escape from the need to have good finace in my life. But I wonder how wonderful it would be if I was super healthy to begin with that I would not need all the this and that to take good care of myself but be healthy naturally......

Does this mean that I am not so healthy because of stress/a lack of sleep/not enough time to make me pleased with my personal interests and missions that I ended up spending more money to compensate???!!!

Anyway, I would go on and on in a cycle thinking about all these. I really need to find a boarderline to maintain my personal happiness and good NATURAL health for sure, I think.

I was thinking all these and was so tired, but managed to go to the gym and had a good work out. I ran until the gym closing time, so I rushed myself to the bathing area to have a quick shower. I wasn't gonna go in forever so I did not put back my lock in my locker. When I came back, there was this lady who was sort of going into my things. I was like, erm, excuse me, but I was freaking naked, so I wasn't comfortable to talk to her all I had on me was a bath towel.

She took off immediately, so I put my clothes on and left the gym.

Then I realized that my new wallet was missing.
Instantly, the face of that lady came back to me for some reasons.
I got frustrated especially I had my public transportation pass went missing earlier in the evening too, so I called my friend to brag about this. Then I wanted to go back to the gym to make a report about this. And on my way back, I bumped into this same lady, so instantly, I bluntly asked her: "Have you seen my wallet?" She then goes: "what?" Me: "Have you seen my wallet??" She: "Why would I know where your wallet is? and why would I steal someone's wallet??"

In that moment, I knew it was her. I mean, I never accused her of *stealing my wallet* or mention the word *stealing or taking*. I just asked her about my wallet and she reacted by saying "stealing".

Her facial expression also told me that she knew what I was asking her about.

Anyway, I got so upset, went back to the gym, told the staff about what just happened, and then went back to the locker to see if I see an emptry wallet (as I hear from people that rubber usually just take the money and throw the wallet away) anywhere.

I could not find it. So I made a report about it, and walked home.

On the way home, I felt so upset and guilty, because I had most of my sentimental items in it: the ring that I received after my grandma passed away, in which I have been carrying as a guardian angel. This key holder that I got for my grandpa, when I first went to a field trip, which he carried it everywhere by attaching it on his bag. I got it back when he past away, because it made me feel as though my grandpa would always be with me, if I carried the key holder with me. Then a few rocks that I got after climbing to the top of Mt. Fuji to remind me of my achievement and sucess (plus, I believe in the mother nature of Mt. Fuji)....all sort of things I had in my wallet are now GONE.

Surprisingly, as I write about this, I am not that upset. I still feel that my grandpa and my grandma are with me, although those sentimental items are gone. I wonder if this happened as a way to test my attachment to materials or my way of valueing myself based on materials.... I wonder.

But I did not need to lose all that and my money, so I feel that wasn't fair.

However, it is not like someone broke my legs that I can not run/dance anymore, or I lost all my money and have no money to buy a new pass to work, or anything like that, so I feel blessed to yet have all that to keep my life convenient and happy.

I just have to sort out my needs to make me internally at peace and happy...

In search for my eternal bliss...goes on :)