Quote of the day: from Dalai Lama

"Do not waste precious time. Every second counts, for every second is unique, irreplaceable, and filled with incredible possibilities.

We squander our time like spoiled children who think they will live forever. We always put off till tomorrow what we can do today. We throw away many possibilities for action, happiness, and making others happy.

How can you be so sure that you will be alive tomorrow?

Reflect upon the meaning of your life now. Reality is in the present, and it is vain to live in hopes for the future. Do not harm others, show them love, let them into your life now".

today's realization part 2 (after my running)

A sense of fear trapped my mind for such a long time now after my life threatening experience.
I felt that I no longer had to deal with it, but recent flash back as an instant response to my sister's screaming voice thru my mobile made me realized that I have a long way to go dealing with my PTSD.

I guess PTSD is something that will not completely go away, and new little things can continue triggerring me to experience a flashback/panic attack.

My recent reaction to my own sister who started screaming over the phone made me realize that I would not have a control over my instant reaction, if I felt physically attacked by another. I guess this is a typical example of the fight or flight response often used in the psychology textbooks. So considering that, I do not think my reaction to her was that abnormal, but I questioned myself: "did I really have to raise my voice to my own sister who was emotionally very upset to begin with?"

I believe that a normal individual would not have to perceive the way my sister approached me as an attack, but calmly able to talk to her in an adult like manner. Such realization/belief makes me continue having this fear for my future reactions to unexpected things that could trigger me to get a panic attack. And so yes, I have a fear as a person who could get a panic attack. I am fearful for my panic attack. But shall I limit my opportunity to fully feel happy about my life because of my fear? I really hope not.

So here I am, realizing my need to deal with my fear. But I also need to accept the fact that this will be an ongoing process, and I may not be able to completely get rid of my fear. But what I can do is to keep my awareness for my internal truth and open attitude to always work on it with a positive attitude at all time.

You know, when I returned to Toronto and met so many wonderful people here and everything turned into the better, I felt that I had no fear anymore. But such belief was made with my false belief that I have overcomed my struggles as a person with PTSD. I feel that the realization that I wasn't was a pretty big punch against my head that I got burned out physically and mentally. Because you know, we all want to recover from our own issues, and get completely rid of it, if we had any choice. But I think this is when we have to have a faith in everything that happens in our lives, and believe that having and dealing with my PTSD actually allows me to become much stronger, wise, content, peaceful and happy individual than I have ever been before gaining such challenge in my life :)

I think I can sleep peacefully tonite. It is wonderful news.
Tomorrow, Ilya is finally coming back from his recent trip to Ukraine.
My friend Ange may also be able to meet with me before she departs for Sweden this coming Friday.

I have a feeling that I have more happy things happening for the next couple days to replace my difficult experiences that I had in the past few days :) and I can not wait to laugh and smile from the bottom of my heart cerebrating my own happiness and joy with others.

Peace and love,

today

I feel like I am going to explode. but I hope that I can use such energy of mine in rather positive manner devoting my passion for something that I feel I deserve.

But speaking of exploding, I have not gone dancing for way too long. Toronto needs to get good gigs, and I would love to see Kerri Chandler, DJ Gregory or Larry Heard here in the city sometime soon. I fucking need to dance all sweaty and let my soul explode but in a good way on the dance floor soon. Yay me.

Larry Heard

I wonder: if I did not have music by larry heard that allows me to connects with my inner self and restore positive energy during my work out, how would I keep my positive attitude at all times??

I am always energized by his music, because I feel that his music brings such comfort in me and allows me to feel that I can continue being who I am, feeling, experiencing and appreciating those beauties and qualities of life that I value in my life.

Anyway, I thought that my appreciation for his music and how much I value it needed to be expressed from my lungs before I head out for today's work out today.

I am soo lucky that I have come to learn of his music. Thanks very much, mu for introducing me to his soulful and deep music :)

peace and love,

today's realization

i need to have a strong and patient mind that will not be disturbed to unexpected incidences and unwelcome energy. One day, I hope that I will be able to perceive every single challenge that comes into my life as a gift even from the moment of its occurence. Right now, I feel that I am too naive and fragile that although I can keep my positive perspectives while dealing with a challenge, its physical damage/draining of my energy are too big to the degree that I am really surprised to know I still feel very tired after my recent stressful situations.
I have spent my morning engaging in a few meditation, but longer I try to meditate, more weakness exposes on its own. I realized how much of a long way I have to go to become truly a strong minded and patient individual....

I know I can get there though :)

Chakras and DeJa Vu

Until I talked to Tomo, I did not have a concept that supports my own belief re: core of my self.

Over a dinner (I baked a meat loaf and cooked chinese vege stir-fry, steamed brown rice and miso soup) and desert (I baked a banana cake..hehe) at my place last nite, Tomo and I engaged in such a great conversation re: our beliefs on energy, from spiritual healing to chakras. We freely exchanged our ideas on many things, and it indeed was such a great experience: something that I truly was hungry for!!! (I love it whenever my friend is able to freely express their ideas and thoughts on spirituality, and it has been a long time since a friend was able to willingly share her/his thoughts on this level...thanks very much, TOMO!!!).

During our conversation, she mentioned re: Chakras.

According to this website, Chakras are centers of energy, located on the midline of the body. There are seven of them, and they govern our psychological properties. The chakras located on the lower part of our body are our instinctual side, the highest ones our mental side.

The chakras can have various levels of activity. When they're "open," they're considered operative in a normal fashion.

Ideally, all chakras would contribute to our being. Our instincts would work together with our feelings and thinking. However, this is usually not the case. Some chakras are not open enough (being under-active), and to compensate, other chakras are over-active. The ideal state is where the chakras are balanced. To find out what the state of your chakras is, do the chakra test (I will tell you my result at the bottom of today's entry).

Anyway, back to what I was trying to say in today's entry. I have been freely able to connect with that self thru running and meditation since I gained my awareness towards spirituality over 5 years ago, thanks to a guidance from my best friend, Scott.

Around that time, I experienced a lot of spiritual experiences such as de ja vus. At one occassion, I was even able to rely on my own de ja vu to guide where I needed/wanted to go with my own will by breaking what it was going to happen (according to my de ja vu-a memory from the future).

And recently, I have been experiencing a lot of deja vus.

My deja vus happens whenever my mind recalls a flashback of few photographic images in my mind. Sometime, only a single image but very very remarkable to the degree that I can even draw a picture of it and the same image comes into my own reality later on (allowing me to know that it was a deja vu). And sometime a series of few images that allow me to know what would happen if I let the faith take where I need to be.

In a way, I personally believe this experience what I refer as deja bu is something that allows me to know my own destiny. So I feel that more I stay closed to my own core of self (soul) and maintaining good balance of my own chakras and being able to listen to my intuitive messages clearly and making daily decisions, more I MAY experince deja vus that allow me to know deep inside that the path that I am walking on is the right path/given path in my desitiny.

Anyway, after a few stressful incidences the past week, I questioned: "is this really the path that I was meant to go thru?? because I even rejected that good pay job offer in Barrie now and I need to start my job search again (my greedy self confusing my own past judgment and decision)".

But once again I experienced a deja vu of myself reading this article (I recalled the exact article detail and its picture in the magazine and my own surrounding) while exercising at the gym, trying to let go of my own accumulated negative energy and re-store my own good energy from my passion for my life.

So in that moment, I felt very assured that everything will be just fine! fine! fine!
and this message, "do not underestimate your passion for things that you are interested and love. stay who you are and take actions to better manifest your own identity!" came into my mind, as if its energy was trying to encourage/cheer me up and keep me moving without a fear.

I do not know if any of you do believe in spiritual experiences like this (that I sometime experience), but I love it whenever I am able to collect spiritual messages whenever I am exercising (feeling running high). I think we all are able to welcome such messages from the core of self (a message from our future?!) or from another world, only if we engage in activities to actively detach ourselves from heavy/draining thoughts and energy.

According to the chakra test, it says that I need to let go of my fear. It is sooo very true. I need to actively work on this by meditating and being closed to the nature more though :)
Or do you think I am being nuts by thinking and analyzing way too much??!! hahaha

Any thoughts? Please share your wisdom. Peace and love.

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Results from Chakra test

Root: under-active (18%) Sacral: open (56%) Navel: open (25%) Heart: open (68%) Throat: open (68%) Third Eye: open (56%) Crown: over-active (75%)

Percentages go from -100% to +100% Further information What this means Open your under-active chakras

Comment:

1 - Root chakra

The Root chakra is about being physically there and feeling at home in situations. If it is open, you feel grounded, stable and secure. You don't unnecessarily distrust people. You feel present in the here and now and connected to your physical body. You feel you have sufficient territory.

If you tend to be fearful or nervous, your Root chakra is probably under-active. You'd easily feel unwelcome.'

7 - Crown chakra

The Crown chakra is about wisdom and being one with the world. When this chakra is open, you are unprejudiced and quite aware of the world and yourself.

If it is under-active, you're not very aware of spirituality. You're probably quite rigid in your thinking.

If this chakra is over-active, you are probably intellectualizing things too much. You may be addicted to spirituality and are probably ignoring your bodily needs. LOL

I do not need

I do not need:

• negative energy affected by others who are selfish, arrogant and controlling.

I do not need:

• to let such energy haunt my mind to the degree that I am unable to open the door to welcome good energy into my soul and being able to appreciate my life to fullest at all time.

I do not need:

• to put up with other people's insecurity and their problems and put me down, just because they need to feel that they are better than who I am,

I do not need:

• to surround myself who take advantage of the weak ones and create such unfair hierarchical system.

After having had two stressful incidences past week, I found myself physically, mentally and spiritually drained. After I quit my job and doing absolutely nothing on Thursday,,,and while riding my bike and this lady who was stopping at the cross walk shared such a wonderful and contageous smile with me, I found myself naturally returning her mine and in that moment, a realization that I am still a free-bird, no matter how other may try to take advantage of me and bring difficult circumstances in my life.

I want to thank that lady for bringing me that realization that I can still be who I am, appreciate my own good nature and live freely true to myself :) Life is wonderful, especially when you experience an instant spiritual communication with people you do not know, but their souls you know :)

Peace and love,