String of Life

Today's entry will be rather serious as I need to keep my recent realization in my journal here.

Especially aftermy return to Japan where I do not freely express my deep internal thoughts (such as fear) openly, I think I have been shaped not to think about the life changing experience, because of my fear. It is like myself chopping this string of life that connects my past to the present whenever a thought of the experience occur in my mind.

I thought that it was a healthy way to deal with it, as my focus was to maintain a sense of peace and positive attitude during my stay here in Japan. But I realized that it had a negative effect on my mental health: I could not draw a line from the present to the future, and as a result, I often found myself getting panicky whenver my concern towards myfuture arrived in my mind.

As I used in my analogy of life as a string, as long as I continue to chopping the string (chopping the past experience from the whole) by not accepting it, I obviously would not be able to draw its extension to the future.... Right?

Well, there are reasons to why I did not (and still do not) want to remember my past experience (it's a painful memory to remember, obviously! duh) and my natural reaction to chopping the string off my present, but I realized that I can not just erase what happened, because it is a part of my past and my life after all. Although it may bring some bitter feelings in me, I think I need to learn how to accept it as an important lesson of my life. So I have been working on letting my thoughts flow whenever my memory of the past occur in me, but with a control and in a positive manner. I feel like putting myself on a psychology lab examination figure, but it's okay. It's been cool learning myself by psycho-analyzing my human responses/behaviours.

In my past entry, I noted how I lost my ability to trust myself (my judgement) and confidence
due to the life changing experience. I have been having trouble making significant decisions that involve a lot of responsibilities. So this has often put me in such troubled emotional/mental state, and gave me a fixed belief that I am not able to make a decision, and this had an another role as a fear stopping me from taking actions to *move on* for my future. But while reading a book that was given to me from a great friend, I realized that my fixed belief can be fooled by a
word-definition game.

Although I had a trouble getting rid of this belief that I won't be able to make a decision (because of my inability to trust myself etc), I could still make a commitment to myself because of the respect that I have towards myself. A funny thing I realized was this equation: "making
a decision=making a commitment". So what this means is that, I can make a commitment; therefore, I am able to make a decision as well....haha!

So I have been focusing on making small commitments (I am good at making commitments and sticking to the goals) now, and have gained some strength to facemy fear dealing with my future :)

Anyhow, although this content maybe confusing to some of you, this has been an important realization for me, so I decided to keep it here :)

Thanks for reading~~

Oh I was almost going to end my entry. Well, I have something new to note in my journal.
I was recently given an assignment to conduct a 1 day 3 hr lecture (instructing tips on International communication from the x-cultural perspectives) for freshmen of an engineering company. A couple days after myself accepting this offer, I was like, what kind of challenge
have I involved myself in?? LOL But I thought that this has given me a good excuse to get back on track with professionalism, and more reasons to make commitments to achieve goals (to provide professional and successful course for the vendor that provided me the offer), so I see it as a great way to gain some self-confidence. :) so I plan on spending at least a few hours of my day preparing for this assignment :) werd.

My New Hair Do

I had such sore feet when I woke up, most likely because of me walking around the city of Tokyo with my boots. Anyway, my dad and I spent most of our morning cleaning the house together. I played around with my new hairstyle, and took a photos, cause I am an attention whore:

We were blessed with such warm weather today! Highest was 19 degree!

Can you believe it? I feel sorry for you Canadian folks who live in the east coast suffering from the harsh winter weather. Well, hangon kids, spring is just around the corner :)

My eyes look a little puffy, cause I slept longer like a dead this morning. LOL But I like how I get to play around with my hair now :) werd!

Currently, I am digging and enjoy listening to a deep house mix that was mixed and given to me from a great friend of mine, mu. His website (although it is in Japanese) can be accessed by clicking here. The same mix (abyss gate) that I am listening to right now can be accessed from here too (require real player though). My favorite tracks are: No. 4: "Traveling" by Quentin Harris, No.6: "Space Rider" by Shaun Escoffery and No. 8: "Back Together" by "Hardsoul feat Ron Carroll". You can listen to some other mixes provided by his friends and him,so place check out his site.

I made a few more accessories today, so if you were interested, click here. Okay, that's it for
now. Peace!

Meeting up with my former co-workers in Tokyo

I had a great opportunity visiting Tokyo today. My mom and I got on the highway bus leaving the local bus stop at 7am and headed to the metropolitan city, Tokyo. We had a few errands to do during the morning, and then went to Shibuya where my mom was meeting up with my dad. I had 30 minutes to waste before heading to Azabu area where I was meeting up with my former co-worker for lunch, so I went to some shops by myself. On the way to Azabu, I took the subway, and gradually some precious memories of my work experience in Tokyo came back to my mind. My friend, Atsuko-san came to the meeting spot around 13pm, and both of us hugged and shed a few tears with joy meeting up after almost 2 years of my leave back to Canada in 2003. We went to this udon noodle place that both of us used to go together for lunch. I used to crave for their udon noodles while working in the neighborhood. So it was so SWEET being able to go there with my great friend, Atsuko-san and eat the udon just like we did a few years ago. Below is my friend, Atsuko-san with her cold udon with sesame seed sauce. She looked much
younger than a few years ago too:

This is the udon noodles that I ordered: Cold udon noodles with sour plum and seaweed. Not so sure if any of you find it yummy looking, but this is one of the most healthiest and simple an yet yummy Japanesefood we have here:

WhatI love most about the noodles is that it is very chewy and has great texture. Atsuko-san and I had a great talk while eating udon noodles, and I felt very touched once again to have such wonderful friend inmy life. We headed back to my former work place and met up with all the former co-workers who still work there. It was very touching andemotional meeting with my boss though, especially because I rememberedall the memories that I had working for the dept. Including my boss and everyone took their precious time to engage in a conversation with me in spite of their busy schedule, so I felt very happy. When I was leaving, the dean just came back from his business trip to China,so I was able to talk with him, which gave me such great pleasure.

Although I initially intended to visit there to say hello, I ended up staying there until 4pm (haha). Words can not describe how touched I was uniting with all the people that I used to work there. I furtherrealized how blessed I was to have had the work experience there.

:)

I then headed back to Shinjuku, and went to a few shops that I used to love checking out for some cool gears. But most items turned out to be just damn expensive (170 dollars for a shirt etc), so I just decided to return to an area near the highway bus station. I then went to a dept store to purchase a few skin care products and then got a foot care massage for 15 minutes, which was heavenly relaxing and put me into sleep! lol Then I met up with my parents and cameback home...

Unfortunately, I totally forgot to take more photos once we left the restaurant, so I did not get to take any more during the rest of my stay in Tokyo.Oh well, I will make sure I take some photos next time :)

Cut & Perm

I got a hair cut and perm today! I have been not so inspired with my hair-do as of these days that to gain different perspectives on self image, I tried a different style that I have never tried before. Although below photos do not show you exactly how my hair is, I am going to postthem nonetheless for you to see:

I know. I look more feminine than my previous straight hair-do. LOL

I think this "softer" look on me is fine for a change, although I was not sure if it would look good on me initially. My stylist, Gonsho-sensei always do me a wonderful job, giving me one of the bestest hair treatment. I was in heaven when her daughter was giving me such DOPE sculp massage and shampoo. You English speakers in the west should at least once experience high quality Japanese hair salon experience, I thought. This Gonsho-sensei is a great friend of my mom, and she apparently got her training at Vidal Sassoon salon in England many moons ago. She can not only do A to Z hair styling, she also does make up (she fixed my make up as well), puts kimono on people (there are several different styles in kimono wearing, and only people who got the lesson know how to put on kimono. Of course, I am not educated in such a thing as of yet..haha), and she is an inspiring active woman in the city, whom my mom receive much positive influence from. Anyway, she gave me a hair cut, permed my hair, gave me two different hair treatment (too high technology that I do not know what exactly they were, but I saw a machine that looked like R2D2 from the Star Wars), fixed my eye blow and make up! And she gave me almost 50 percent discount. Wow. What a great treat! I appreciate so much of her customer service spirit and felt great talking about my feelings on life in general during my visit at her salon. :) I am going to visit Tokyo tomorrow morning (gotta wak up at 6am) with my mom (meeting up with my dad there), so hopefully I get to take some nice photos tomorrow :) Let me know what you think of my new hair do :) peace

More Japanese Commercial/Visual Clips

As I promised yesterday, I have taken a photo of my dad before heading out to the
gym. So here it is:

By the way, his look reminds me of a Japanese comedian, Tunnels doingtheir "moji-moji-kun" joke:

I made him put his modern work out clothes on top of his old skool suits before leaving though. LOL Pan& James-I was able to upload 2 more following video clips of Pan and James (from yesterday's episode) in my web server, so if you were

interested, please check them out:

	Here is a video clip of Pan (chimpanzee) and James (white dog) again. This time's episode was that they were asked to go and buy a sticky rice for their boss (owner), and take a boat and elevator to return home. I totally forgot about the show, so I only saw and recorded from the middle of it. Nevertheless, they are such cute animals. Worth checking them out :) haha In this file, you get to see them playing around before heading to get on the boat.
	James and Pan were sitting outside of the boat, but since it got cold, Pan decides to go inside. They then encounter a mascot of a dam that gives out candies for little kids. Notice how Pan gets an extra candy sneakingly and keeps it safely in his pouch.
	After getting on the boat, James and Pan would have to get on the elevator, but Pan does not realize how he would need to press the button to get on and use the elevator. Notice how Pan jumps with joy when he finally gets inside the elevator though! LOL Later James gets hungry after sniffing on a girl's candy. He remembers the candy, which Pan kept in his pouch, so he tries getting it from him and they end up fighting! The consequence of it is that Jamestearing apart Pan's pouch :(

When I was having supper, my favorite commercial was on, so I immediately tried to video
record it. Although it is from the middle, it is still mad funny I think :)

Check out this little Japanese girl rapping for a gas company called "Lemon Gas"

That's it for today. Must wake up early tomorrow, so gotta go to bed now. Good nite!
:)

Pan & James Special (Matthew from Lost in Translation)

My parents decided to start working out like me instead of cabbing me to and from the gym (I still got no driver's license), so they started working out officially this Wednesday (clapping hands sound here!! LOL). So I have instructed them on how to properly exercise by monitoring their fitness levels. I found instructing people on working out quite fun and amusing. I especially found my dad's work out clothings to be mad funny. He pulled out this training suits that are somewhat faded in color. He obviously must have kept them in the closet for the past 2 decades, so it was a little tight fitting, and it looked so ghey. I wished I took a photo of him before heading out to the gym, but since we were in a hurry trying to get there before 5pm (after that the gym charges us evening fees), I could not. Well, do not worry. I will take a photo for you to see how silly looking my dad is next time. LOL Anyway, I do not know why he decided to wear that old school suits rather than his modern work out clothes. I suppose he sort of remembered back in the days memories and felt young wearing them.
LOL

	Here is a video clip of Pan (monkey) and James (white dog) again. This time's episode was that they were asked to go and buy a sticky rice for their boss (owner), and take a boat and elevator to return home. I totally forgot about the show, so I only saw and recorded from the middle of it. Nevertheless, they are suchcute animals. Worth checking them out :) haha In this file, you get to see them playing around before heading to get on the boat.
	One of my stuffed animal that sings hip hop song giving me valentine's spirit all year around :)
	Not sure how many of you remember "Matthew" (the ghey looking Japanese comedian guy) from the movie, "Lost in Ttanslation". After returning here in Japan one night, I realized how the show actually exist in reality, so here is a movie clip of Matthew from his show. Matthew answered correct to a quiz, so he is eatingsushi in this clip.

journey of self reflection and re-evaluation of life

In the past few days, I have spent my days relatively peaceful and with my appreciation
for the life that is given to me.

I have been listening to an album by Lisa Gerrard (which was mailed to me from a very good
friend of mine), when I take bath after working out at the gym. I have never imagined how healing and spiritually nurturing it is for me to listen to Lisa Gerrard's voice while taking a bath. It definitely enhances the purpose of taking bath both physically and spiritually (cleansing and healing), so I have been addicted to my precious time at the bath tub everyday now. I feel that this ritual has been helping me keep such positive state of mind and peace that I do not know how to appreciate my friend for such great gift. Thank you very much!!

Not so long ago, I had such busy life schedule: waking up at 5:30am for work, working out after work, cooking dinner and lunch for myself, taking care of some personal needs and then working from home using the internet technology after dinner until 12-1am to work on my personal goals, averaging weekday sleep at 3-5 hrs/day.

Because of my nature, I had been living my life relatively at fast speed like this, always chasing after some goals for the past few years. As a long distance runner, I love things with speed, rapid progression and development. Consequently, I had subconsciously gained this belief that the time was my enemy, I needed to engage in all necessary activities at alltimes for my personal progression...

In a way, this acknowledgement of having productive/busy schedule gave me a sense of comfort, like "I am taking actions for myself, so I would be okay". Looking back, I feel that the sense I was feeling was not really a comfort, but a fixed hope that I held onto, assuring myself that my ultimate life would be within my reach, as long as I continued taking actions spontaneously like a marathon runner. And although I thought that I was a strong individual chasing after my dreams, having this fixed hope, in fact, gave me a sense of false security, and was my sign of weakness/fear, unable to live my lifewithout clear directions (especially towards my future).

In the past few days, I realized that I am able to gain important life realizations and progress as a person, no matter what kind of life style I maybe having, either busy or relaxed, or having a clear mission in my life,as long as I have an open mind and heart.

After leaving Canada last December, I have been having relatively relaxed and less stressful life, prioritizing my time for personal reflection, questioning what it is like to be *me* and how I want to live my life as a person and in my career. I have mentioned in the previous entry how a life changing experience erased all the confidence and assurance that I had not so long ago. Up until this experience, I have lived my life with a fixed vision clearly picturing how I wanted to live my life, especially in my career. The life seemed not so easy at times, but I did not give up, and I continued taking actions to turn my dream come true. I wanted to work in an entertainment marketing business as an International business development rep assisting other people's dreams and vision come true. The dream appeared to be near my reach.
But I encountered this experience, which made me question whether I truly wanted to work in the industry that I was very much attracted to, once again. The reasons, once so clear, as to why I was attracted to such industry all of a sudden evaporated into air. Why?????? I no longer knew why. I lost trust in others that I respected, as well, I had lost trust in me. ...

So I have been going through this journey of self reflection and re-evaluation of life engaging in activities that provide a sense of comfort, learning how to trust myself, and trying to gain the strength and confidencethat I need to live my life strongly with my feet down on the ground.

And I had a realization today that living a slow speed life isn't too bad, as I get to capture all the pictures (lessons of life) that I did not get to see when I was running at full speed. In a way, I feel that living life with relaxed mind allows one to accept different perspectives on life.

I have realized how much I enjoy learning the effect of different color coordination patterns (different mood/emphasis), how much I love listening to my heart beat and how listening to it allows me to keep such calm state of mind, how much I love creating art in our everyday life especially on a ceramic canvas (plate!), and how much I feel blessed to have all that I have in my life: friends that I can reach out to, friends that are there for me, friends to share life with, friends to cherish and make memories with, friends to explore all the fun activities that our life provide us, friends to go dancing and dance with, friends to care and support each other, friends to love and loved, the family to depend on at times, the family to share laughter at stupid jokes, the family to share tasty food with, the family to appreciate beauty of art with, the family to cerebrate each other's achievement, the family to share secret confessions of our lifetime, the family to care and love, to be given peaceful sleep, tasty food, great water to drink, the shelter to feel safe at, blue sky and bright sun up in the sky to see when I do my yoga in the morning,
great health of my loved ones and myself...I have an endless gifts that I am thankful for, and I feel very blessed for having my life, and I feel that I can turn all my appreciation for life into my personal strength and shape my personal identity and cultivate the ultimate path to my bright future. Thank you! and thank you for reading. :)