Analyzing my mind to better make my personal decisions

Last nite, I caught my good friend, Tatsu, who has been on his journey travelling southeast Asia (currently at Cambodia) online on his MSN that I was able to engage in a good conversation with him and helped me come to a page that I wanted myself to be dealing with my given scenario with my job search.

I made a note on my August 30th entry how I have been wondering how much of given circumstance to accept as reality of my life and when and how much of my humble self to let get into actions respecting my personal desire as an internal truth...

Tatsu mentioned how dealth is everywhere in Cambodia and told me what it was like to make a visit to one of the death fields that took place during the civil war. According to him, "there were the most mass graves. There's a huge pagoda in the middle stacked to the sky with skulls of victims extracted from the graves and the surrounding grounds are still littered with things like teeth and shards of bone".

He told me how everyone there is so desparate to work, any kind of jobs that they can get.

Hearing this story (reality in Cambodia) made me feel how my concern about my job search is such a selfish thing to deal with.

And thusly it led me ponder on the *how much reality to accept and how much humble self to kick in* while talking to him.

Unfortunately, he had to go before we complete our conversation, but while writing an email to him actually helped me clarify some of my confusion, so I would like to share the conclusion that I have came with on this topic.

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I think that we must ask the origin of our own desires whenever we get lost unable to decide a good balance between accepting a given scenario (although it may not be the most ideal situation) and fighting against it and trying to turn things around for our favour.

If our desire is based on pure positive energy: compassionate thought, respect for one’s personal interests, free from materialistic and superficial thoughts, then we deserve to stick with the desire, you know?

The same thing applies when dealing with accepting a given circumstance.

If accepting lowers the level of our suffering, then surely, we should definitely accept what is given to us.

But one may find it difficult to accept the reality.

One must ask why it is so difficult for us to accept.

There should be reasons why. Usually it is because of our internal desires that are against the reality.

So here we go, we must ask the origin of our desires.

And if our desires are pure positive kind of energy, then we need to use our creative mind and patience to stick with what our heart tells us.

We must bare the challenge to stay respectful to our own thoughts after all....

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So I think that I must map out all these thoughts that I have in my mind with regards to my job search.

I am in a shoe where I must make up my mind to accept a job offer that commences in October 1st by tomorrow afternoon.

If I accepted this job offer, I must relocate myself 2.5 hr north of Toronto. My friends tell me that it will be very difficult to live there without a car during the winter time. I do not know how well I will handle this challenge mentally considering that I will not have the support system there (no friends). I know that I could come here to Toronto during the weekend, but spending 5 hrs on the Greyhound bus does not sound too bright neither. On a positive side, this challenge shall help me grow into a stronger individual, and it should allow me to gain some confidence and strength that I need dealing with my PTSD. But it is also true that I am a type of an individual who find herself passing out on the ground by burning herself out before her mental self realizes (runner's mentality I guess, LOL), so I must watch out for potential down time by moving there and I do not want to be in a shoe where I can not reach out to people I would feel comfortable to share my own thoughts (weakness) with. So I must make sure that I will have a good network of support system before I make a decision to move there. I have contacted my counsellor to see if there is any support group that I could rely on in this small city. I need to make a list of my short term goals (what I want to achieve) and narrow down necessary sacrifices to get where I need to be. So that is what I am going to do right now.

Peace,

Kumi