Well, after visiting 5 doctors and seeing my face getting worst with the extreme dryness and cuts around my eyes, nose and mouth, I wasn't giving up seeking some help, cause if I did, it will be me who will have to deal with my consequence of the burn on my face.
I called the walk in clinic (the doctor that burnt my entire skin on my face) asking them why they have not called me back for the appointment with a dermatologist that they promised to make for me first thing in the morning. The receptionist said, if there were no call, no appointment. What an ignorant amateur idiot, God! (with Napoleon accent), I thought. I told her that it was their responsibility to provide me a choice to see a dermatologist immediately, since all this happened because of the lack of attention of the doctor who prescribed me some gel that reacted badly with the facial cleanser (glycolic acid-evil shite, now I know!) burning my entire skin of my face.
Well, they did call me back 5 minutes later for an afternoon appointment.
They did not confirm the full name of the dermatologist ("I have no time for that", the irresponsible secretary told me), so I could not confirm if it was the doctor where I read some negative comments/feedback on the internet (thanks to the technology, I landed a meeting minute of the toronto dermatologist organization of some sort, where this doctor was sort of slammed, because of her evil attitude putting the rest of dermatologists in the city down in the media interviews etc), but nevertheless, at the point, I had not seen a professional that claimed to be a dermatologist, so I said to myself that it is worth while checking what she would need to say.
I arrived at the clinic, and I was able to see the doctor relatively without much waiting time.
She never studied my face, but was too busy trying to understand each word written on the referral from the walk in clinic doctor (she was freaking old like in the 70s). And she proceeded to tell me that what I need is 4 times stronger antibiotics than what I am already taking. I was like, "but, madam, the only reason why I am here today is because I need an immediate treatment on my burnt skin, not to cure my acne problem".
She told me to shut up. She did not want to know why I was there to see her. She blamed me it was my fault for taking the gel and glycolic acid on my face, although I told her that I had checked with a person who claimed to be professional family physician first before doing so.
She did not care.
Basically, she was a witch, such a stubburn old lady who does not know how to listen to the patient (I thought that all the doctors knew how important it is for them to listen to the patients before providing any medical advise..I guess after long years of practice, some of them may become quite arrogant and feel absolutely sure with their first judgment..such a poor and scary habit, I thought).
I started thinking: "Honesty, this is what I call, a waste of my time".
So I thanked her for her time and advise, and left her office.
I headed to the next dermatologist appointment with an Acne clinic where I would not need a referral from a family physician.
The doctor there and his assistant were the first one to finally study the severity of my burn of my face, advise me what I need to heal my skin and how long I will need to be patient and gentle with my skin.
The doctor told me "don't worry, we will fix you". This sort of sounded as if they were going to use the cosmetic practice to fix me, but still, after this nightmare and if this will leave me a permanent scars and patches on my face, I will probably consider laser operation to remove my scar..but it has been only a few days, so will see :)
Anyway, they GAVE ME some treatments that immediately reduced the irritation on my skin.
I was like: "finally, the VICTORY IS MINE!!" (with Stewie's accent) LOL
So I was a happy girl ever.
Although it was a tough challenge after experiencing this nightmare, thanks to my friends, my roommate, my co-workers and supervisors's support and understanding, I have reached the point where I can relax and trust someone's guidance on my way to healing my face.
At the same time, I feel that this experience gave me an opportunity to really test my strength and self-respect and responsibility. Whenever I get sick, I have this tendency to whine and always beg for my mom (in my mind), but this time, I am very proud that I took care of everything by leading my self, even at the bottom of this challenge, where it was even so scary to see my own face!
So I am proud of myself :) Yay. Victory is mine!
I hope that I will be well enough to go back to WORK :) Here we go, lots of work to do! :)
Very thankful for the guidance by the thoughtful and reliable dermatologist :)
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Nightmare-Can't trust anybody
On Saturday nite, we went to check out and to support the Garage 416 featuring Spiritual Music Record party where Kamati Pinkston played some soulful and funky music. I had such a blast dancing, and had a great time :)
From this evening, my eyes started to irritate me my tears running down non-stop for some reasons. I thought that it was just because of the cold weather.
When I woke up on Sunday, my face was extremely dry and my acene broke out badly (out of control), so it really was a time to see a doctor. But what kind of doctor would operate/see patients on Sunday? Well, I thought it is better to see someone than not, so I went to this only clinic in town that was open on Sunday.
The doctor said that it was just a typical acne problem. He gave me some antibiotics and gel to apply on my acne. He suggested that I do take the medicine and apply the gel before going to bed. I did that at 9pm and went to bed by 10pm. I also showed the facial cleanser that I have been using to wash my face. He said it is okay to continue using, so I did so as suggested.
When I woke up on Monday, my skin was super dry, irritated and yet swollen that I could not even recognize my face. I got so scared so I went to see this walk in clinic doctor that I have seen before (in my neighborhood). He suggested that I get off the gel that was prescribed to me, and get any cleanser and lotion that a drug store pharmacist can recommend. So I got what she recommended and apply on my skin.
But towards the end of the nite, entire skin of my face became extremely frakey and peeling, leaving very sensitive red skin underneath causing burning and tingle sensations on my skin. The skin around my face and eye were so red and cut. It was just so painful that I thought I need to do something before this experience leaves me permanent scar physically and emotionally.
So I went to the emergency of the Toronto General Hospital.
I registered myself in at 11:45pm. The last person before me was seen by the doctor at 2:35am. I waited and waited. A nurse who passed by asked me if I already saw a doctor. I said "nobody has come and call my name yet". The clock pointed 4:00am. All these tired/sleepy staff completey forgot about my existence. The doctor looked as if he felt guilty when he took me to the patient's room. At least it let him sit down and consulted what's wrong with me this time, I guess it is better, I thought.
He basically concluded that the facial cleanser that the doctor said it's okay for me to continue using had either a bad allergic reaction on me or caused bad chemical reaction with the gel that he prescribed me, burning my entire skin as if I got a really bad sun burn or got caught in fire.
Either way, my skin is now burnt and peeling entirly.
He suggested not to use any cleanser with chemical in it and let the time heal. He also said that maybe I am allergic to certain foods too. He said that if I want to see him again to take some food allergy testing, I should make an appointment with him on Wednesday or Friday privately at the clinic that he works on those days.
I came home and slept.
On Tuesday I woke up and was horrified to see my face, because entire skin on my face were peeling leaving red big marks/spots all over it. The swelling of my eye and left cheek have not got any better. Not knowing where and how to get the professional advise that I needed, I had to cry to let my frustration out of me. *NOBODY IS HELPING ME EVEN I NEED IMMEDIATE ATTENTION*.
I called my co-worker asking her for her suggestion. She suggested that I return to the first doctor who gave me the medicine that burnt my skin to get the appointment with a dermatologist. So I did. He said "it's worst huh?" "Has anyone recommended acutane to you before??" I was like, why can't you get it, I need to do something for my allergic reaction on my face to heal first before leaving permanent scar on my face. I am not interested in taking any more antibiotics or gels on my acne than I have already taken!
So I told him that "it's obvious that I am allergic to certain chemicals or the combination of your prescribed medicine and recommended cleanser caused a bad chemical reaction burning my face like this, so I am not interested in getting more medicine or listening to an advise from a non-specialist. I demand you refer me to a darmatologist immediately before this leaves me permanent scar on my face and making this whole experience traumatic".
He requested his secretary to try making an appointment from two doctors. One of them with which they could not get a hold of. The secretary suggested I go to the clinic (because they are open until 5pm) physically right away. So I got on a cab and went. The clinic was closed by 3:30pm. I called back the walk-in clinic, and she told me that she would make an appointment for me tomorrow morning.
I came home feeling how unprofessional these people all are, decided to do some search on the internet about this dermatologist that they tried to make an appointment for me. It turns out that she is not even a dermatologist, but specialised in internal organs etc. I was like,,, Why do I need to waste my time seeing someone who can not help me, when my need is quite serious and emergent??
I was so frustrated. I called my friend and he suggested that I go and seek some help from the women's college hospital in down town. The nurse was very supportive, emotionally caring and such a sweet heart.
The doctor there told me that because I have seen quite a few doctors already and condition is not getting any better, and since he is not specialized in dermatology, he is hesitated to give me any suggestion what to apply on my dry/frakey/cut skin. His best suggestion is not to put anything on. I asked him if he could refer me to a dermatologist. He said that because he is not my family doctor, he can not refer me to any. I must return to the doctor who burnt my skin to see a specialist. I thought it just did not make any sense to me.
I will not return to the doctor who burnt my face anymore-period.
So I went to the nurse who helped me, explained my situation and asked her if she could recommend me to any helpful doctor that may be able to refer me to a dermatologist asap.
She recommended her own family doctor and said that hopefully that will help me get a dermatologist right away. It was very sweet of her.
I came back home with detoxifying juice (36 oz) to detoxify all the chemicals that must be in my system. I also got some chinese food take out for my roommate, cause I wasn't cooking any food tonite (well, it's nice to eat food cooked by someone else once in a while).
We ate the food, watched the family guy episodes and laughed, It was nice to laugh cause I have been crying and traumatized by the whole experience of seeking professional help visiting clinics and hospitals 5 times since Sunday and seeing my condition getting worst.
I washed my face with mild warm water and left me such dry and burning sensations again (whenever I do something on my face, it swells up, as if I touched burnt and very fragile bruise), so I concluded that I need to apply something on my face although the doctor said not to put anything on. Cause if I left it like that, it was difficult to keep my eyes open or even to speak (cuts hurt).
So my roommate and i went to a nearest drug store, and asked the pharmacist for aloe. Her facial reaction showed how horrified she was to see my changed face (I saw her the day before) and admitted that it's worst today ( :( ), and agreed that the aloe would work okay for my sensitive skin.
So I got that applied the aloe on my face, and now I feel slightly better. At least well enough emotionally and physically to update my blog. But I concluded never to give a birth to a child in this country (if I ever was to marry -of course-and have a family). Well, at least this is a great opportunity to find a good family doctor for me, I think.
I just pray to god that this will not leave permanent scar on my face.
At least it has been a good lesson not to trust anyone that claims to be professional and seek second advise or do some online search before following suggestions maybe helpful in future...
I also feel that this incidence practiced my sense to perceive and judge people from my internal eyes. Meaning that this has helped me not judge others based on the surface, but from the acts that they share with me. Since the past week, I feel that I am able to feel the different degree of people's warmth, and the color of internal well-being that they share with me. I guess it is my intuition that is helping me value little things (encounter with new people, few words that are exchanged, kindness, compassion, consideration and support etc) that make our life much valuable and beautiful. :)
I feel very blessed to have all the people who have been supporting me in my medical crisis and hope that I will not forget to gain, maintain and share all these qualities that these people share with me from my end too. :)
Thankful but in prayers.
Kumi
From this evening, my eyes started to irritate me my tears running down non-stop for some reasons. I thought that it was just because of the cold weather.
When I woke up on Sunday, my face was extremely dry and my acene broke out badly (out of control), so it really was a time to see a doctor. But what kind of doctor would operate/see patients on Sunday? Well, I thought it is better to see someone than not, so I went to this only clinic in town that was open on Sunday.
The doctor said that it was just a typical acne problem. He gave me some antibiotics and gel to apply on my acne. He suggested that I do take the medicine and apply the gel before going to bed. I did that at 9pm and went to bed by 10pm. I also showed the facial cleanser that I have been using to wash my face. He said it is okay to continue using, so I did so as suggested.
When I woke up on Monday, my skin was super dry, irritated and yet swollen that I could not even recognize my face. I got so scared so I went to see this walk in clinic doctor that I have seen before (in my neighborhood). He suggested that I get off the gel that was prescribed to me, and get any cleanser and lotion that a drug store pharmacist can recommend. So I got what she recommended and apply on my skin.
But towards the end of the nite, entire skin of my face became extremely frakey and peeling, leaving very sensitive red skin underneath causing burning and tingle sensations on my skin. The skin around my face and eye were so red and cut. It was just so painful that I thought I need to do something before this experience leaves me permanent scar physically and emotionally.
So I went to the emergency of the Toronto General Hospital.
I registered myself in at 11:45pm. The last person before me was seen by the doctor at 2:35am. I waited and waited. A nurse who passed by asked me if I already saw a doctor. I said "nobody has come and call my name yet". The clock pointed 4:00am. All these tired/sleepy staff completey forgot about my existence. The doctor looked as if he felt guilty when he took me to the patient's room. At least it let him sit down and consulted what's wrong with me this time, I guess it is better, I thought.
He basically concluded that the facial cleanser that the doctor said it's okay for me to continue using had either a bad allergic reaction on me or caused bad chemical reaction with the gel that he prescribed me, burning my entire skin as if I got a really bad sun burn or got caught in fire.
Either way, my skin is now burnt and peeling entirly.
He suggested not to use any cleanser with chemical in it and let the time heal. He also said that maybe I am allergic to certain foods too. He said that if I want to see him again to take some food allergy testing, I should make an appointment with him on Wednesday or Friday privately at the clinic that he works on those days.
I came home and slept.
On Tuesday I woke up and was horrified to see my face, because entire skin on my face were peeling leaving red big marks/spots all over it. The swelling of my eye and left cheek have not got any better. Not knowing where and how to get the professional advise that I needed, I had to cry to let my frustration out of me. *NOBODY IS HELPING ME EVEN I NEED IMMEDIATE ATTENTION*.
I called my co-worker asking her for her suggestion. She suggested that I return to the first doctor who gave me the medicine that burnt my skin to get the appointment with a dermatologist. So I did. He said "it's worst huh?" "Has anyone recommended acutane to you before??" I was like, why can't you get it, I need to do something for my allergic reaction on my face to heal first before leaving permanent scar on my face. I am not interested in taking any more antibiotics or gels on my acne than I have already taken!
So I told him that "it's obvious that I am allergic to certain chemicals or the combination of your prescribed medicine and recommended cleanser caused a bad chemical reaction burning my face like this, so I am not interested in getting more medicine or listening to an advise from a non-specialist. I demand you refer me to a darmatologist immediately before this leaves me permanent scar on my face and making this whole experience traumatic".
He requested his secretary to try making an appointment from two doctors. One of them with which they could not get a hold of. The secretary suggested I go to the clinic (because they are open until 5pm) physically right away. So I got on a cab and went. The clinic was closed by 3:30pm. I called back the walk-in clinic, and she told me that she would make an appointment for me tomorrow morning.
I came home feeling how unprofessional these people all are, decided to do some search on the internet about this dermatologist that they tried to make an appointment for me. It turns out that she is not even a dermatologist, but specialised in internal organs etc. I was like,,, Why do I need to waste my time seeing someone who can not help me, when my need is quite serious and emergent??
I was so frustrated. I called my friend and he suggested that I go and seek some help from the women's college hospital in down town. The nurse was very supportive, emotionally caring and such a sweet heart.
The doctor there told me that because I have seen quite a few doctors already and condition is not getting any better, and since he is not specialized in dermatology, he is hesitated to give me any suggestion what to apply on my dry/frakey/cut skin. His best suggestion is not to put anything on. I asked him if he could refer me to a dermatologist. He said that because he is not my family doctor, he can not refer me to any. I must return to the doctor who burnt my skin to see a specialist. I thought it just did not make any sense to me.
I will not return to the doctor who burnt my face anymore-period.
So I went to the nurse who helped me, explained my situation and asked her if she could recommend me to any helpful doctor that may be able to refer me to a dermatologist asap.
She recommended her own family doctor and said that hopefully that will help me get a dermatologist right away. It was very sweet of her.
I came back home with detoxifying juice (36 oz) to detoxify all the chemicals that must be in my system. I also got some chinese food take out for my roommate, cause I wasn't cooking any food tonite (well, it's nice to eat food cooked by someone else once in a while).
We ate the food, watched the family guy episodes and laughed, It was nice to laugh cause I have been crying and traumatized by the whole experience of seeking professional help visiting clinics and hospitals 5 times since Sunday and seeing my condition getting worst.
I washed my face with mild warm water and left me such dry and burning sensations again (whenever I do something on my face, it swells up, as if I touched burnt and very fragile bruise), so I concluded that I need to apply something on my face although the doctor said not to put anything on. Cause if I left it like that, it was difficult to keep my eyes open or even to speak (cuts hurt).
So my roommate and i went to a nearest drug store, and asked the pharmacist for aloe. Her facial reaction showed how horrified she was to see my changed face (I saw her the day before) and admitted that it's worst today ( :( ), and agreed that the aloe would work okay for my sensitive skin.
So I got that applied the aloe on my face, and now I feel slightly better. At least well enough emotionally and physically to update my blog. But I concluded never to give a birth to a child in this country (if I ever was to marry -of course-and have a family). Well, at least this is a great opportunity to find a good family doctor for me, I think.
I just pray to god that this will not leave permanent scar on my face.
At least it has been a good lesson not to trust anyone that claims to be professional and seek second advise or do some online search before following suggestions maybe helpful in future...
I also feel that this incidence practiced my sense to perceive and judge people from my internal eyes. Meaning that this has helped me not judge others based on the surface, but from the acts that they share with me. Since the past week, I feel that I am able to feel the different degree of people's warmth, and the color of internal well-being that they share with me. I guess it is my intuition that is helping me value little things (encounter with new people, few words that are exchanged, kindness, compassion, consideration and support etc) that make our life much valuable and beautiful. :)
I feel very blessed to have all the people who have been supporting me in my medical crisis and hope that I will not forget to gain, maintain and share all these qualities that these people share with me from my end too. :)
Thankful but in prayers.
Kumi
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Toronto deephouse music lovers unit!
On Friday nite, my friend, Nozomi and I went to see Dino & Terry at their residency at Beba lounge. I had a bit of stressful week, so it was just super nice to be out listening to good music and surrouding myself with cool and sweet people :)
The set of the nite by Dino & Terry was absolutely FANTASTIC.
There is something about them, and I will try my best to describe how I perceive/feel about them.
Not only they are talented producers/DJs and have great taste in music, they have this ability to welcome all the souls in the space and share their love for the music. Their internal energy is so warm and powerful and very healing too that you just feel it when listening and feeling their music live.
The nite's set was sooo great. From deep techno to deephouse and some classic tunes (disco), I really liked every single record that they played. It was so soulful, DEEP and nurturing to my soul. I had never been satisfied I thought.
Then Jonathon, Vito, Nozomi and I went out to the Chinese food afterwords. It was pretty good! :)
I want to thank Dino and Terry for such a wonderful music and fulfilling and nurturing me thru the way they played the music with their open heart and souls, Jonathon and Vito for being such amazing companions for the party, and Nozomi for always being there for me. :)
I finally feel as though I have a place to call home here in Toronto :)
Peace and in love and light,
Kumi
The set of the nite by Dino & Terry was absolutely FANTASTIC.
There is something about them, and I will try my best to describe how I perceive/feel about them.
Not only they are talented producers/DJs and have great taste in music, they have this ability to welcome all the souls in the space and share their love for the music. Their internal energy is so warm and powerful and very healing too that you just feel it when listening and feeling their music live.
The nite's set was sooo great. From deep techno to deephouse and some classic tunes (disco), I really liked every single record that they played. It was so soulful, DEEP and nurturing to my soul. I had never been satisfied I thought.
Then Jonathon, Vito, Nozomi and I went out to the Chinese food afterwords. It was pretty good! :)
I want to thank Dino and Terry for such a wonderful music and fulfilling and nurturing me thru the way they played the music with their open heart and souls, Jonathon and Vito for being such amazing companions for the party, and Nozomi for always being there for me. :)
I finally feel as though I have a place to call home here in Toronto :)
Peace and in love and light,
Kumi
Friday, February 03, 2006
Endless thoughts after an unlucky day
I noticed that I had my monthly public transporation pass missing from my bag once I got to the subway station on my way back from work. I just got it recently and it did not make me feel lucky especially the card would give me much freedom in my life. Maybe I should have guarded my pass with more caution and not take it for granted, I thought. I made a mental note to check my desk once again tomorrow, although I highly doubt that I can find it....
I have been feeling quite a bit of stress lately.
I question myself why. I think that I am not pleased having people controlling me in my life (due to confidentiality and personal issue, I choose not to get into a detail).
Lately, I realized that one of the worst feelings that I dislike to experience was a feeling of violation and control over against my desire. I think I have been fighting off to gain my freedom. Freedom to express myself. Freedom to live in a way that truly reflects the person me, the freedom to share joy and happiness with those people around in my life, the freedom to run, the freedom to dance, the freedom to feel however I want to feel without feeling obligated to feel other way around..freedom to just LIVE MY LIFE with pure honesty and respect for myself.
This gaining the freedom has become such important factor choosing my actions lately, which is a bit of a change considering all I cared about in the past was to manifest my personal identity.
Anyway, I must admit that I can not tolerate it whenever I feel as though someone is trying to take authority to control me. I am not a slave, just pay some respect for my positive attitude and commitment to meet and exceed expectations with my effort to take some extra considerations to make your life easy, that's all I ask. That is the type of feeling I get.
"Without taking a risk, you can never explore the different side of the story that you maybe deserve to experience during your life time"....
I have been thinking of this quite a lot in the past few days (maybe since yesterday).
Sometime, I feel like just leaving everything aside in my life and go to NYC to really dedicate myself to learn something for my passion for dancing.
Sometime, I feel like I just want to go back to a college to learn more about colors, flower arrangement, cooking, massage therapy and all that I am interested in.
Sometime, I feel like I want to go to Tibet to become a monk.
Sometime, I feel like dropping all my desires for materialistic gain/career success and be happy for the simplicities of life that is given to me.
But to share the joy and love of life, I still face the reality that I need minimum amount of income to share my passion (cooking/making others happy by doing things that usually cost money), so I can not just leave my work. But I notice my need to exclude any materialistic goals that I may subconsciously have, because this can get quite unhealthy. But at the same time, I do admit that I want to be able to buy things to express my identity and feel comfortable with it (say fashion and make up and all that things that are required to take good care of myself as a young lady??!! lol). And to take good care of oneself can cost money too (good food, nutrients and supplements, nice body lotion and hand cream,...list goes on). So I feel that I can not escape from the need to have good finace in my life. But I wonder how wonderful it would be if I was super healthy to begin with that I would not need all the this and that to take good care of myself but be healthy naturally......
Does this mean that I am not so healthy because of stress/a lack of sleep/not enough time to make me pleased with my personal interests and missions that I ended up spending more money to compensate???!!!
Anyway, I would go on and on in a cycle thinking about all these. I really need to find a boarderline to maintain my personal happiness and good NATURAL health for sure, I think.
I was thinking all these and was so tired, but managed to go to the gym and had a good work out. I ran until the gym closing time, so I rushed myself to the bathing area to have a quick shower. I wasn't gonna go in forever so I did not put back my lock in my locker. When I came back, there was this lady who was sort of going into my things. I was like, erm, excuse me, but I was freaking naked, so I wasn't comfortable to talk to her all I had on me was a bath towel.
She took off immediately, so I put my clothes on and left the gym.
Then I realized that my new wallet was missing.
Instantly, the face of that lady came back to me for some reasons.
I got frustrated especially I had my public transportation pass went missing earlier in the evening too, so I called my friend to brag about this. Then I wanted to go back to the gym to make a report about this. And on my way back, I bumped into this same lady, so instantly, I bluntly asked her: "Have you seen my wallet?" She then goes: "what?" Me: "Have you seen my wallet??" She: "Why would I know where your wallet is? and why would I steal someone's wallet??"
In that moment, I knew it was her. I mean, I never accused her of *stealing my wallet* or mention the word *stealing or taking*. I just asked her about my wallet and she reacted by saying "stealing".
Her facial expression also told me that she knew what I was asking her about.
Anyway, I got so upset, went back to the gym, told the staff about what just happened, and then went back to the locker to see if I see an emptry wallet (as I hear from people that rubber usually just take the money and throw the wallet away) anywhere.
I could not find it. So I made a report about it, and walked home.
On the way home, I felt so upset and guilty, because I had most of my sentimental items in it: the ring that I received after my grandma passed away, in which I have been carrying as a guardian angel. This key holder that I got for my grandpa, when I first went to a field trip, which he carried it everywhere by attaching it on his bag. I got it back when he past away, because it made me feel as though my grandpa would always be with me, if I carried the key holder with me. Then a few rocks that I got after climbing to the top of Mt. Fuji to remind me of my achievement and sucess (plus, I believe in the mother nature of Mt. Fuji)....all sort of things I had in my wallet are now GONE.
Surprisingly, as I write about this, I am not that upset. I still feel that my grandpa and my grandma are with me, although those sentimental items are gone. I wonder if this happened as a way to test my attachment to materials or my way of valueing myself based on materials.... I wonder.
But I did not need to lose all that and my money, so I feel that wasn't fair.
However, it is not like someone broke my legs that I can not run/dance anymore, or I lost all my money and have no money to buy a new pass to work, or anything like that, so I feel blessed to yet have all that to keep my life convenient and happy.
I just have to sort out my needs to make me internally at peace and happy...
In search for my eternal bliss...goes on :)
I have been feeling quite a bit of stress lately.
I question myself why. I think that I am not pleased having people controlling me in my life (due to confidentiality and personal issue, I choose not to get into a detail).
Lately, I realized that one of the worst feelings that I dislike to experience was a feeling of violation and control over against my desire. I think I have been fighting off to gain my freedom. Freedom to express myself. Freedom to live in a way that truly reflects the person me, the freedom to share joy and happiness with those people around in my life, the freedom to run, the freedom to dance, the freedom to feel however I want to feel without feeling obligated to feel other way around..freedom to just LIVE MY LIFE with pure honesty and respect for myself.
This gaining the freedom has become such important factor choosing my actions lately, which is a bit of a change considering all I cared about in the past was to manifest my personal identity.
Anyway, I must admit that I can not tolerate it whenever I feel as though someone is trying to take authority to control me. I am not a slave, just pay some respect for my positive attitude and commitment to meet and exceed expectations with my effort to take some extra considerations to make your life easy, that's all I ask. That is the type of feeling I get.
"Without taking a risk, you can never explore the different side of the story that you maybe deserve to experience during your life time"....
I have been thinking of this quite a lot in the past few days (maybe since yesterday).
Sometime, I feel like just leaving everything aside in my life and go to NYC to really dedicate myself to learn something for my passion for dancing.
Sometime, I feel like I just want to go back to a college to learn more about colors, flower arrangement, cooking, massage therapy and all that I am interested in.
Sometime, I feel like I want to go to Tibet to become a monk.
Sometime, I feel like dropping all my desires for materialistic gain/career success and be happy for the simplicities of life that is given to me.
But to share the joy and love of life, I still face the reality that I need minimum amount of income to share my passion (cooking/making others happy by doing things that usually cost money), so I can not just leave my work. But I notice my need to exclude any materialistic goals that I may subconsciously have, because this can get quite unhealthy. But at the same time, I do admit that I want to be able to buy things to express my identity and feel comfortable with it (say fashion and make up and all that things that are required to take good care of myself as a young lady??!! lol). And to take good care of oneself can cost money too (good food, nutrients and supplements, nice body lotion and hand cream,...list goes on). So I feel that I can not escape from the need to have good finace in my life. But I wonder how wonderful it would be if I was super healthy to begin with that I would not need all the this and that to take good care of myself but be healthy naturally......
Does this mean that I am not so healthy because of stress/a lack of sleep/not enough time to make me pleased with my personal interests and missions that I ended up spending more money to compensate???!!!
Anyway, I would go on and on in a cycle thinking about all these. I really need to find a boarderline to maintain my personal happiness and good NATURAL health for sure, I think.
I was thinking all these and was so tired, but managed to go to the gym and had a good work out. I ran until the gym closing time, so I rushed myself to the bathing area to have a quick shower. I wasn't gonna go in forever so I did not put back my lock in my locker. When I came back, there was this lady who was sort of going into my things. I was like, erm, excuse me, but I was freaking naked, so I wasn't comfortable to talk to her all I had on me was a bath towel.
She took off immediately, so I put my clothes on and left the gym.
Then I realized that my new wallet was missing.
Instantly, the face of that lady came back to me for some reasons.
I got frustrated especially I had my public transportation pass went missing earlier in the evening too, so I called my friend to brag about this. Then I wanted to go back to the gym to make a report about this. And on my way back, I bumped into this same lady, so instantly, I bluntly asked her: "Have you seen my wallet?" She then goes: "what?" Me: "Have you seen my wallet??" She: "Why would I know where your wallet is? and why would I steal someone's wallet??"
In that moment, I knew it was her. I mean, I never accused her of *stealing my wallet* or mention the word *stealing or taking*. I just asked her about my wallet and she reacted by saying "stealing".
Her facial expression also told me that she knew what I was asking her about.
Anyway, I got so upset, went back to the gym, told the staff about what just happened, and then went back to the locker to see if I see an emptry wallet (as I hear from people that rubber usually just take the money and throw the wallet away) anywhere.
I could not find it. So I made a report about it, and walked home.
On the way home, I felt so upset and guilty, because I had most of my sentimental items in it: the ring that I received after my grandma passed away, in which I have been carrying as a guardian angel. This key holder that I got for my grandpa, when I first went to a field trip, which he carried it everywhere by attaching it on his bag. I got it back when he past away, because it made me feel as though my grandpa would always be with me, if I carried the key holder with me. Then a few rocks that I got after climbing to the top of Mt. Fuji to remind me of my achievement and sucess (plus, I believe in the mother nature of Mt. Fuji)....all sort of things I had in my wallet are now GONE.
Surprisingly, as I write about this, I am not that upset. I still feel that my grandpa and my grandma are with me, although those sentimental items are gone. I wonder if this happened as a way to test my attachment to materials or my way of valueing myself based on materials.... I wonder.
But I did not need to lose all that and my money, so I feel that wasn't fair.
However, it is not like someone broke my legs that I can not run/dance anymore, or I lost all my money and have no money to buy a new pass to work, or anything like that, so I feel blessed to yet have all that to keep my life convenient and happy.
I just have to sort out my needs to make me internally at peace and happy...
In search for my eternal bliss...goes on :)
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Dammit-tttt!
It's still Tuesday, but I feel tired already (lol).
I fell into sleep and had a 1.5 hr nap before managing myself to wake up for a daily work out after coming back from work last nite (note: commuting on the local bus and ttc takes approx. 1 hr and 15 minutes one way), and I have not slept in till the gym closing time for a while that I did not think I would do such a thing today, and I did. Dammit! So I am here, partially awake, wanted to update my blog before going back to my sweet and warm bed early tonite so that I can wake up at 5am for a morning work out to start my day strong and energetic tomorrow...
Over the weekend, I went to the Solid Garage Classics party where the featured DJs, Dino and Terry rocked our world. They have kindly put some photos of my friend, Nozomi and me in their website, so here is the link for those curious souls: http://dinoandterry.typepad.com/photos/january_pics/index.html
Here are a few that I got from the site. I look quite happy below..hehehehe Music brings so much joy in my heart and soul! I can't help it!!!!! :)
Hey, Ange. T-dot dance floor and crowd say *hello!!* Until you are there in Sweden, I will make sure the floor is occupied by my joyful ass-self ;) :)
I look forward for this coming Friday to catch Dino & Terry again!!!!!!!
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm-I am so appreciative for the T-dot deephouse music scene :)
Yay!
I fell into sleep and had a 1.5 hr nap before managing myself to wake up for a daily work out after coming back from work last nite (note: commuting on the local bus and ttc takes approx. 1 hr and 15 minutes one way), and I have not slept in till the gym closing time for a while that I did not think I would do such a thing today, and I did. Dammit! So I am here, partially awake, wanted to update my blog before going back to my sweet and warm bed early tonite so that I can wake up at 5am for a morning work out to start my day strong and energetic tomorrow...
Over the weekend, I went to the Solid Garage Classics party where the featured DJs, Dino and Terry rocked our world. They have kindly put some photos of my friend, Nozomi and me in their website, so here is the link for those curious souls: http://dinoandterry.typepad.com/photos/january_pics/index.html
Here are a few that I got from the site. I look quite happy below..hehehehe Music brings so much joy in my heart and soul! I can't help it!!!!! :)
Hey, Ange. T-dot dance floor and crowd say *hello!!* Until you are there in Sweden, I will make sure the floor is occupied by my joyful ass-self ;) :)
I look forward for this coming Friday to catch Dino & Terry again!!!!!!!
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm-I am so appreciative for the T-dot deephouse music scene :)
Yay!
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Solid Garage Classics Feat. Dino & Terry & GI
My my. I do not know where to begin, but I had such a blast at the Solid Garage Classics Feat. Dino & Terry & GI party at Gypsy Co-op last nite.
Thanks to Monique and Yogi, I had an opportunity to join this party, and I had such a fun time dancing with energetic and soulful dancers on the floor.
:)
I am so very thankful that I was there to experience this, because it means so much to me to connect with other passionate dancers and music lovers and be a part of our local deephouse music scene.
Dino & Terry rocked my world and I am still dreaming from the vibe that I experienced from last nite. :) It was also nice to finally exchanged a conversation with them and their crew, Vito and Jonathan. I look forward for the coming Friday catching them again...Nozomi-if you were reading this, you would need to come out with me again :) Also, I would like to extend my sincere appreciation (once again) to Monique and Yogi :) You guys rock!!!!
With much sincere appreciation and respect. :) In love and peace,
Kumi
Thanks to Monique and Yogi, I had an opportunity to join this party, and I had such a fun time dancing with energetic and soulful dancers on the floor.
:)
I am so very thankful that I was there to experience this, because it means so much to me to connect with other passionate dancers and music lovers and be a part of our local deephouse music scene.
Dino & Terry rocked my world and I am still dreaming from the vibe that I experienced from last nite. :) It was also nice to finally exchanged a conversation with them and their crew, Vito and Jonathan. I look forward for the coming Friday catching them again...Nozomi-if you were reading this, you would need to come out with me again :) Also, I would like to extend my sincere appreciation (once again) to Monique and Yogi :) You guys rock!!!!
With much sincere appreciation and respect. :) In love and peace,
Kumi
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