Nightmare-Can't trust anybody

On Saturday nite, we went to check out and to support the Garage 416 featuring Spiritual Music Record party where Kamati Pinkston played some soulful and funky music. I had such a blast dancing, and had a great time :)

From this evening, my eyes started to irritate me my tears running down non-stop for some reasons. I thought that it was just because of the cold weather.

When I woke up on Sunday, my face was extremely dry and my acene broke out badly (out of control), so it really was a time to see a doctor. But what kind of doctor would operate/see patients on Sunday? Well, I thought it is better to see someone than not, so I went to this only clinic in town that was open on Sunday.

The doctor said that it was just a typical acne problem. He gave me some antibiotics and gel to apply on my acne. He suggested that I do take the medicine and apply the gel before going to bed. I did that at 9pm and went to bed by 10pm. I also showed the facial cleanser that I have been using to wash my face. He said it is okay to continue using, so I did so as suggested.

When I woke up on Monday, my skin was super dry, irritated and yet swollen that I could not even recognize my face. I got so scared so I went to see this walk in clinic doctor that I have seen before (in my neighborhood). He suggested that I get off the gel that was prescribed to me, and get any cleanser and lotion that a drug store pharmacist can recommend. So I got what she recommended and apply on my skin.

But towards the end of the nite, entire skin of my face became extremely frakey and peeling, leaving very sensitive red skin underneath causing burning and tingle sensations on my skin. The skin around my face and eye were so red and cut. It was just so painful that I thought I need to do something before this experience leaves me permanent scar physically and emotionally.

So I went to the emergency of the Toronto General Hospital.
I registered myself in at 11:45pm. The last person before me was seen by the doctor at 2:35am. I waited and waited. A nurse who passed by asked me if I already saw a doctor. I said "nobody has come and call my name yet". The clock pointed 4:00am. All these tired/sleepy staff completey forgot about my existence. The doctor looked as if he felt guilty when he took me to the patient's room. At least it let him sit down and consulted what's wrong with me this time, I guess it is better, I thought.

He basically concluded that the facial cleanser that the doctor said it's okay for me to continue using had either a bad allergic reaction on me or caused bad chemical reaction with the gel that he prescribed me, burning my entire skin as if I got a really bad sun burn or got caught in fire.

Either way, my skin is now burnt and peeling entirly.

He suggested not to use any cleanser with chemical in it and let the time heal. He also said that maybe I am allergic to certain foods too. He said that if I want to see him again to take some food allergy testing, I should make an appointment with him on Wednesday or Friday privately at the clinic that he works on those days.

I came home and slept.

On Tuesday I woke up and was horrified to see my face, because entire skin on my face were peeling leaving red big marks/spots all over it. The swelling of my eye and left cheek have not got any better. Not knowing where and how to get the professional advise that I needed, I had to cry to let my frustration out of me. *NOBODY IS HELPING ME EVEN I NEED IMMEDIATE ATTENTION*.

I called my co-worker asking her for her suggestion. She suggested that I return to the first doctor who gave me the medicine that burnt my skin to get the appointment with a dermatologist. So I did. He said "it's worst huh?" "Has anyone recommended acutane to you before??" I was like, why can't you get it, I need to do something for my allergic reaction on my face to heal first before leaving permanent scar on my face. I am not interested in taking any more antibiotics or gels on my acne than I have already taken!

So I told him that "it's obvious that I am allergic to certain chemicals or the combination of your prescribed medicine and recommended cleanser caused a bad chemical reaction burning my face like this, so I am not interested in getting more medicine or listening to an advise from a non-specialist. I demand you refer me to a darmatologist immediately before this leaves me permanent scar on my face and making this whole experience traumatic".

He requested his secretary to try making an appointment from two doctors. One of them with which they could not get a hold of. The secretary suggested I go to the clinic (because they are open until 5pm) physically right away. So I got on a cab and went. The clinic was closed by 3:30pm. I called back the walk-in clinic, and she told me that she would make an appointment for me tomorrow morning.

I came home feeling how unprofessional these people all are, decided to do some search on the internet about this dermatologist that they tried to make an appointment for me. It turns out that she is not even a dermatologist, but specialised in internal organs etc. I was like,,, Why do I need to waste my time seeing someone who can not help me, when my need is quite serious and emergent??

I was so frustrated. I called my friend and he suggested that I go and seek some help from the women's college hospital in down town. The nurse was very supportive, emotionally caring and such a sweet heart.

The doctor there told me that because I have seen quite a few doctors already and condition is not getting any better, and since he is not specialized in dermatology, he is hesitated to give me any suggestion what to apply on my dry/frakey/cut skin. His best suggestion is not to put anything on. I asked him if he could refer me to a dermatologist. He said that because he is not my family doctor, he can not refer me to any. I must return to the doctor who burnt my skin to see a specialist. I thought it just did not make any sense to me.

I will not return to the doctor who burnt my face anymore-period.

So I went to the nurse who helped me, explained my situation and asked her if she could recommend me to any helpful doctor that may be able to refer me to a dermatologist asap.

She recommended her own family doctor and said that hopefully that will help me get a dermatologist right away. It was very sweet of her.

I came back home with detoxifying juice (36 oz) to detoxify all the chemicals that must be in my system. I also got some chinese food take out for my roommate, cause I wasn't cooking any food tonite (well, it's nice to eat food cooked by someone else once in a while).

We ate the food, watched the family guy episodes and laughed, It was nice to laugh cause I have been crying and traumatized by the whole experience of seeking professional help visiting clinics and hospitals 5 times since Sunday and seeing my condition getting worst.

I washed my face with mild warm water and left me such dry and burning sensations again (whenever I do something on my face, it swells up, as if I touched burnt and very fragile bruise), so I concluded that I need to apply something on my face although the doctor said not to put anything on. Cause if I left it like that, it was difficult to keep my eyes open or even to speak (cuts hurt).

So my roommate and i went to a nearest drug store, and asked the pharmacist for aloe. Her facial reaction showed how horrified she was to see my changed face (I saw her the day before) and admitted that it's worst today ( :( ), and agreed that the aloe would work okay for my sensitive skin.

So I got that applied the aloe on my face, and now I feel slightly better. At least well enough emotionally and physically to update my blog. But I concluded never to give a birth to a child in this country (if I ever was to marry -of course-and have a family). Well, at least this is a great opportunity to find a good family doctor for me, I think.

I just pray to god that this will not leave permanent scar on my face.
At least it has been a good lesson not to trust anyone that claims to be professional and seek second advise or do some online search before following suggestions maybe helpful in future...

I also feel that this incidence practiced my sense to perceive and judge people from my internal eyes. Meaning that this has helped me not judge others based on the surface, but from the acts that they share with me. Since the past week, I feel that I am able to feel the different degree of people's warmth, and the color of internal well-being that they share with me. I guess it is my intuition that is helping me value little things (encounter with new people, few words that are exchanged, kindness, compassion, consideration and support etc) that make our life much valuable and beautiful. :)

I feel very blessed to have all the people who have been supporting me in my medical crisis and hope that I will not forget to gain, maintain and share all these qualities that these people share with me from my end too. :)

Thankful but in prayers.

Kumi

Toronto deephouse music lovers unit!

On Friday nite, my friend, Nozomi and I went to see Dino & Terry at their residency at Beba lounge. I had a bit of stressful week, so it was just super nice to be out listening to good music and surrouding myself with cool and sweet people :)

The set of the nite by Dino & Terry was absolutely FANTASTIC.

There is something about them, and I will try my best to describe how I perceive/feel about them.
Not only they are talented producers/DJs and have great taste in music, they have this ability to welcome all the souls in the space and share their love for the music. Their internal energy is so warm and powerful and very healing too that you just feel it when listening and feeling their music live.

The nite's set was sooo great. From deep techno to deephouse and some classic tunes (disco), I really liked every single record that they played. It was so soulful, DEEP and nurturing to my soul. I had never been satisfied I thought.

Then Jonathon, Vito, Nozomi and I went out to the Chinese food afterwords. It was pretty good! :)

I want to thank Dino and Terry for such a wonderful music and fulfilling and nurturing me thru the way they played the music with their open heart and souls, Jonathon and Vito for being such amazing companions for the party, and Nozomi for always being there for me. :)

I finally feel as though I have a place to call home here in Toronto :)

Peace and in love and light,

Kumi

Endless thoughts after an unlucky day

I noticed that I had my monthly public transporation pass missing from my bag once I got to the subway station on my way back from work. I just got it recently and it did not make me feel lucky especially the card would give me much freedom in my life. Maybe I should have guarded my pass with more caution and not take it for granted, I thought. I made a mental note to check my desk once again tomorrow, although I highly doubt that I can find it....

I have been feeling quite a bit of stress lately.

I question myself why. I think that I am not pleased having people controlling me in my life (due to confidentiality and personal issue, I choose not to get into a detail).

Lately, I realized that one of the worst feelings that I dislike to experience was a feeling of violation and control over against my desire. I think I have been fighting off to gain my freedom. Freedom to express myself. Freedom to live in a way that truly reflects the person me, the freedom to share joy and happiness with those people around in my life, the freedom to run, the freedom to dance, the freedom to feel however I want to feel without feeling obligated to feel other way around..freedom to just LIVE MY LIFE with pure honesty and respect for myself.

This gaining the freedom has become such important factor choosing my actions lately, which is a bit of a change considering all I cared about in the past was to manifest my personal identity.

Anyway, I must admit that I can not tolerate it whenever I feel as though someone is trying to take authority to control me. I am not a slave, just pay some respect for my positive attitude and commitment to meet and exceed expectations with my effort to take some extra considerations to make your life easy, that's all I ask. That is the type of feeling I get.

"Without taking a risk, you can never explore the different side of the story that you maybe deserve to experience during your life time"....

I have been thinking of this quite a lot in the past few days (maybe since yesterday).

Sometime, I feel like just leaving everything aside in my life and go to NYC to really dedicate myself to learn something for my passion for dancing.

Sometime, I feel like I just want to go back to a college to learn more about colors, flower arrangement, cooking, massage therapy and all that I am interested in.

Sometime, I feel like I want to go to Tibet to become a monk.

Sometime, I feel like dropping all my desires for materialistic gain/career success and be happy for the simplicities of life that is given to me.

But to share the joy and love of life, I still face the reality that I need minimum amount of income to share my passion (cooking/making others happy by doing things that usually cost money), so I can not just leave my work. But I notice my need to exclude any materialistic goals that I may subconsciously have, because this can get quite unhealthy. But at the same time, I do admit that I want to be able to buy things to express my identity and feel comfortable with it (say fashion and make up and all that things that are required to take good care of myself as a young lady??!! lol). And to take good care of oneself can cost money too (good food, nutrients and supplements, nice body lotion and hand cream,...list goes on). So I feel that I can not escape from the need to have good finace in my life. But I wonder how wonderful it would be if I was super healthy to begin with that I would not need all the this and that to take good care of myself but be healthy naturally......

Does this mean that I am not so healthy because of stress/a lack of sleep/not enough time to make me pleased with my personal interests and missions that I ended up spending more money to compensate???!!!

Anyway, I would go on and on in a cycle thinking about all these. I really need to find a boarderline to maintain my personal happiness and good NATURAL health for sure, I think.

I was thinking all these and was so tired, but managed to go to the gym and had a good work out. I ran until the gym closing time, so I rushed myself to the bathing area to have a quick shower. I wasn't gonna go in forever so I did not put back my lock in my locker. When I came back, there was this lady who was sort of going into my things. I was like, erm, excuse me, but I was freaking naked, so I wasn't comfortable to talk to her all I had on me was a bath towel.

She took off immediately, so I put my clothes on and left the gym.

Then I realized that my new wallet was missing.
Instantly, the face of that lady came back to me for some reasons.
I got frustrated especially I had my public transportation pass went missing earlier in the evening too, so I called my friend to brag about this. Then I wanted to go back to the gym to make a report about this. And on my way back, I bumped into this same lady, so instantly, I bluntly asked her: "Have you seen my wallet?" She then goes: "what?" Me: "Have you seen my wallet??" She: "Why would I know where your wallet is? and why would I steal someone's wallet??"

In that moment, I knew it was her. I mean, I never accused her of *stealing my wallet* or mention the word *stealing or taking*. I just asked her about my wallet and she reacted by saying "stealing".

Her facial expression also told me that she knew what I was asking her about.

Anyway, I got so upset, went back to the gym, told the staff about what just happened, and then went back to the locker to see if I see an emptry wallet (as I hear from people that rubber usually just take the money and throw the wallet away) anywhere.

I could not find it. So I made a report about it, and walked home.

On the way home, I felt so upset and guilty, because I had most of my sentimental items in it: the ring that I received after my grandma passed away, in which I have been carrying as a guardian angel. This key holder that I got for my grandpa, when I first went to a field trip, which he carried it everywhere by attaching it on his bag. I got it back when he past away, because it made me feel as though my grandpa would always be with me, if I carried the key holder with me. Then a few rocks that I got after climbing to the top of Mt. Fuji to remind me of my achievement and sucess (plus, I believe in the mother nature of Mt. Fuji)....all sort of things I had in my wallet are now GONE.

Surprisingly, as I write about this, I am not that upset. I still feel that my grandpa and my grandma are with me, although those sentimental items are gone. I wonder if this happened as a way to test my attachment to materials or my way of valueing myself based on materials.... I wonder.

But I did not need to lose all that and my money, so I feel that wasn't fair.

However, it is not like someone broke my legs that I can not run/dance anymore, or I lost all my money and have no money to buy a new pass to work, or anything like that, so I feel blessed to yet have all that to keep my life convenient and happy.

I just have to sort out my needs to make me internally at peace and happy...

In search for my eternal bliss...goes on :)

Rolling Bomber Special

Rolling Bomber Special

Enjoy :)

Dammit-tttt!

It's still Tuesday, but I feel tired already (lol).
I fell into sleep and had a 1.5 hr nap before managing myself to wake up for a daily work out after coming back from work last nite (note: commuting on the local bus and ttc takes approx. 1 hr and 15 minutes one way), and I have not slept in till the gym closing time for a while that I did not think I would do such a thing today, and I did. Dammit! So I am here, partially awake, wanted to update my blog before going back to my sweet and warm bed early tonite so that I can wake up at 5am for a morning work out to start my day strong and energetic tomorrow...

Over the weekend, I went to the Solid Garage Classics party where the featured DJs, Dino and Terry rocked our world. They have kindly put some photos of my friend, Nozomi and me in their website, so here is the link for those curious souls: http://dinoandterry.typepad.com/photos/january_pics/index.html

Here are a few that I got from the site. I look quite happy below..hehehehe Music brings so much joy in my heart and soul! I can't help it!!!!! :)










































Hey, Ange. T-dot dance floor and crowd say *hello!!* Until you are there in Sweden, I will make sure the floor is occupied by my joyful ass-self ;) :)

I look forward for this coming Friday to catch Dino & Terry again!!!!!!!

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm-I am so appreciative for the T-dot deephouse music scene :)
Yay!

Solid Garage Classics Feat. Dino & Terry & GI

My my. I do not know where to begin, but I had such a blast at the Solid Garage Classics Feat. Dino & Terry & GI party at Gypsy Co-op last nite.

Thanks to Monique and Yogi, I had an opportunity to join this party, and I had such a fun time dancing with energetic and soulful dancers on the floor.

:)

I am so very thankful that I was there to experience this, because it means so much to me to connect with other passionate dancers and music lovers and be a part of our local deephouse music scene.

Dino & Terry rocked my world and I am still dreaming from the vibe that I experienced from last nite. :) It was also nice to finally exchanged a conversation with them and their crew, Vito and Jonathan. I look forward for the coming Friday catching them again...Nozomi-if you were reading this, you would need to come out with me again :) Also, I would like to extend my sincere appreciation (once again) to Monique and Yogi :) You guys rock!!!!

With much sincere appreciation and respect. :) In love and peace,

Kumi

experiential avoidance and emotional suffering

When I was at a drug store the other day, this topic on the cover of this particular magazine caught my attention: "Is fear limiting your life?"

I am not the one that invests money for magazines, but I had to purchase this magazine to read what was about it, as I have been aware of this personal truth that I live in the fear that to some degree lowers my optimism sometime.

The article mentioned about this lady who developed a fear of flying which led her to avoid not just flying but driving and the whole concept of leaving the house eventually. She became overly fearful about travelling and leaving the house after the 9/11 attack in NYC, and to help her deal with the trauma, she got dependent on the street drugs, and her consumption of the drugs was enough to kill a moose.

Anyway, the article explained to the reader how it is common for us to avoid anything to reduce our emotional suffering level to zero.

"What may be a common behavioural tendency in which I have subconsciously avoided certain situations to not face with the potential emotional suffering and threat?"

I had to clarify my personal experiential avoidance that reduces my potential emotional suffering.

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One of the major hurdles that I have still yet to pass is attending house dance workshops/lessons without feeling humiliated and embarrassed.

I love to dance for many reasons. I feel as though I can manifest what I am feeling when I freely move my body to the rhythm and vibration that I hear and feel. I also feel as though I am dancing with my internal organs, my soul, cerebrating my all senses that let me *feel* such wonderful art of life. And because of my passion to dance, I have once attended this house dance workshop by Brain *footwork* Green in NYC. Although it was for the beginner house dance lesson, all the participants knew what they were doing, and I felt humiliated. Also, when I went to the house dance conference, I became overly conscious of my dance and could not dance in a way I would do so, if I did not feel like the worst dancer on the floor.

I do notice my conscious and naive self not wanting to be the worst dancer on the floor, but from when did dancing become a competitive thing in my book??? Dancing was always my way to manifest whatever I was feeling and return the positive energy to the space as I listen to vibrant music. So why the heck do I care what other people think of my dance etc???

Those were the questions that I gained after my first visit to NYC in 2004. But dancing has become not only a way to manifest myself but to protest my rights to be free. It sounds as though I have turned into an aggressive human if I phrase my meaning/purpose for the dance, but I do not think I can say so in another way around.

I have experienced an incidence that made me feel as though another human being violated me completely. It took a lot of things away from me. My ability to trust my own judgment. My comfort level. My security. My strength. Instantly, I gained self doubt, haunted by fear and nightmares and I was no longer sure if I was permitted to express myself in a way I did to cerebrate my life.

But after sometime living in the dark maze seeking some answers but stuck in unanswered questions, I realized that I can not continue letting my personal experience to limit my opportunity and freedom.

So now I have more deep meanings for all these passions that I have. House music has become a tool to help me manifest my body and soul. I redefined the reason why I ran; Running has become a sport to help me maintain my confidence and strength. Dancing has become a medium to not only manifest myself but to cerebrate my life but to share the joy and blessing of life that is given to us with others, and often as a tool to protest my rights.

So I recognized that my past experience that once made me gain fear and suffering has let me redefine the meaning of certain activities that I was always passionate about. And what I am interested to know is whether I continue let my fear to be embarrassed or humiliated limit my freedom to explore.

I can not completely say that I do not worry about such a thing anymore. In fact, I still recognize my behaviour limiting my opportunities because of my fear. So I want to consciously keep this question within me to reduce experiential avoidance and shape me to continuously engage in activities that I become attracted to/interested in to explore much potential in my life.