A sense of fear trapped my mind for such a long time now after my life threatening experience.
I felt that I no longer had to deal with it, but recent flash back as an instant response to my sister's screaming voice thru my mobile made me realized that I have a long way to go dealing with my PTSD.
I guess PTSD is something that will not completely go away, and new little things can continue triggerring me to experience a flashback/panic attack.
My recent reaction to my own sister who started screaming over the phone made me realize that I would not have a control over my instant reaction, if I felt physically attacked by another. I guess this is a typical example of the fight or flight response often used in the psychology textbooks. So considering that, I do not think my reaction to her was that abnormal, but I questioned myself: "did I really have to raise my voice to my own sister who was emotionally very upset to begin with?"
I believe that a normal individual would not have to perceive the way my sister approached me as an attack, but calmly able to talk to her in an adult like manner. Such realization/belief makes me continue having this fear for my future reactions to unexpected things that could trigger me to get a panic attack. And so yes, I have a fear as a person who could get a panic attack. I am fearful for my panic attack. But shall I limit my opportunity to fully feel happy about my life because of my fear? I really hope not.
So here I am, realizing my need to deal with my fear. But I also need to accept the fact that this will be an ongoing process, and I may not be able to completely get rid of my fear. But what I can do is to keep my awareness for my internal truth and open attitude to always work on it with a positive attitude at all time.
You know, when I returned to Toronto and met so many wonderful people here and everything turned into the better, I felt that I had no fear anymore. But such belief was made with my false belief that I have overcomed my struggles as a person with PTSD. I feel that the realization that I wasn't was a pretty big punch against my head that I got burned out physically and mentally. Because you know, we all want to recover from our own issues, and get completely rid of it, if we had any choice. But I think this is when we have to have a faith in everything that happens in our lives, and believe that having and dealing with my PTSD actually allows me to become much stronger, wise, content, peaceful and happy individual than I have ever been before gaining such challenge in my life :)
I think I can sleep peacefully tonite. It is wonderful news.
Tomorrow, Ilya is finally coming back from his recent trip to Ukraine.
My friend Ange may also be able to meet with me before she departs for Sweden this coming Friday.
I have a feeling that I have more happy things happening for the next couple days to replace my difficult experiences that I had in the past few days :) and I can not wait to laugh and smile from the bottom of my heart cerebrating my own happiness and joy with others.
Peace and love,
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
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