l be a long serious blog update today....

Wow, it has been super busy that I do not know where to start catching up on my blog entry. LOL

Well, let's start with my driver's license school story.

I have failed my driving test to get a temp permit TWICE.

That's right. You heard it RIGHT. I am such a LOSER.

I do not know what's wrong with me, cause I can drive with no problem at all when I practice. But when it comes to a test, I can't. Well, here is my serious confession to those who are reading my blog: I appear to get a panic attack of some sort where I feel such sharp pain over my chest (especially pain on my heart) frequently whenever I feel stressed/nervous/pressured and fearful.

I have not had this kind of symptom for the past few months, but the chest pain has gotten quite frequent to the point that I have decided to see a doctor as soon as my schedule allows me to do so.

I wonder if this is a part of PTSD. I also fear myself for having "angina pectoris" -a heart disease where the heart gets tightened due to a lack of oxygen due to a hardcore exercises/stress. Some of you who know me well may know me for loving going for a long run. Ironically I do not get the chest pain during/after the long run. But I definitely do get the pain when I feel tensed/pressured/nervous/stressed. I was doing okay with the PTSD in the past few months, so I am scared as hell to imagine how I will have to continue dealing with such a thing as this...

Well, to be honest, I think I am under a great stress right now.

I will need to freaking return to Canada next month, but I have no CLUE where to return, what sort of job to get (or will be given to me), and very concerned with my needs to return N. America.

While I am occupied with this pressure to make a decision, my mom has not been doing well at all for the past 2 weeks or so that her attitude/mood have affected all of us in the family. The great influence has been on my father, who has always tried so hard to keep good mental status of my mom. But recently, my dad was also told from a doctor how he is having a problem with his heart. So he is freaking out with his own health issue as well.

But my mom does not understand how her mood affects everyone in the house negatively, so she continues to be moody/grumpy. This of course makes my dad very irritated, and affects both myself and my grand mother. I am able to keep a sense of peace and calm attitude if I am alone, but I am not enjoying the environment where there are full of sighs and complaints. Fu*k, do something about it, if you have the guts to complain, you think right? Well, we are in a situation where good communication can not be obtained due to my mom's mental health. So all of us continue to be affected by it.

I have much more things to say, but I am freaking so angry at people (including me) that takes things for granted. I am taking a peaceful life environment for granted, so when a situation like this arises, I feel upset. I want to keep a sense of peace within me, but if I feel such pain over my heart, it is difficult to keep peaceful mental attitude. Anyway, I really REALLY need to have a alone time, so I am going to upstairs in my room to rest a little. I will have to work during the weekend, and will have no time to study for my driver's license temp permit written exam, so I need to make time for that too. Okay. Thank my life. Thank my ability to think. and Thank for the little break I got. (I am pissed off, as you maybe able to tell, but gotta keep positive attitude and strength within me, for god's sake!)

I am thankful for what I have though :) hehe

P. S. my work assignment to instruct a new employee training for an engineering company went well. I am very relieved that that is over now. phew. It was cool and very wonderful seeing my former co-workers at the university though. Lucky me :)